Challenging Therapy

October 20, 1978, Saturday, New Paltz, NY

 

“I need you to drive me somewhere.”

“O.K., where to?”

“Great, I’ll tell you on the way, it’s up on Mountain Rest Road. Allons-y!”

Kai explained about seeing a therapist as part of her parent’s divorce settlement, and how she has sessions twice a month. This didn’t seem unusual to Conor as he had several friends over the years see a shrink for therapy.

“You’ll have to wait in the car for me. It lasts about an hour, sometimes less,” Kai said.

“Will you talk about us?” Conor asked.

“I don’t know, probably. Don’t worry, she usually asks about what’s bothering me. Since you came along I’ve never been happier.”

Conor smiled, reached over, and their fingers intertwined as they drove out of town.

They pulled up in front of a large contemporary with huge glass walls on the south end of the house. The lot was mostly all trees with a small yard out front, and what looked like a ten-year-old Mercedes sedan sitting in the driveway.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” Kai said, and she kissed him and hopped out.

“What’s new Kai?” her therapist asked.

“Well, a lot actually. I’ve fallen in love.”

“What? Tell me about it.”

“His name is Conor, he is beautiful, incredibly fit, kind, thoughtful, smart with a sharp wit and a great sense of humor. I can’t seem to get enough of him,” Kai said.

“Is he older than you?”

“Nope, no daddy issues here, we’re less than a month apart in age. I’ve known him for a long while and never thought of him as a boyfriend until this year. Actually, I never thought about having a boyfriend until this year,” Kai replied.

“I’m happy for you Kai, you deserve someone who cares for you. Your maturity certainly seems to have evolved, and you seem more confident with your interactions and appearance. Do you think this has enhanced your interest and attraction from the opposite sex?

“I suppose, I haven’t thought about it. I guess before I wasn’t that noticeable and was more of a tomboy. No one paid attention to me as a girlfriend.” Kai explained.

“Conor noticed you because of your physical changes. Is that it?”

“He’s not only interested in my larger boobs and longer legs; we spend hours talking about all sorts of things,” Kai said.

“Does he know you love him?”

“He does.”

“Has Conor told you he loves you?”

Kai, rolled her eyes and said, “How about we stop the over-analysis routine, O.K.? Conor and I have spent virtually all our waking moments outside of school together. We’re both madly in love. When we’re not together we both feel empty inside. We make love at least twice a day, and on the weekends we sometimes lose count.”

“What about protection?”

“I’m on the pill. Before you question my sex life, we know we’re young, but still, we approach things very adult-like. It’s hard to explain without tons of examples. What I’m experiencing though seems quite different than the relationships my girlfriends are having.”

“O.K., I’m sorry, I meant nothing by it Kai. I know you’ve had to grow up faster than almost anyone your age. Can you tell me more about Conor?” the therapist asked.

“He’s more concerned with my feelings than his own and delights in showing me things and sharing experiences that are new to me. He is the star soccer player, and when he’s not playing is humble and considerate. He is open-minded to all types, curious, and sees the good in everyone. I think inside he has self-doubts and hides them behind a mask of irony and wit. He is incredibly handsome, sexy, and I’m infatuated with him,” Kai responded.

“Conor sounds dreamy Kai and seems you’re both approaching your relationship maturely. No judging here, I’m curious, are you the one initiating most of your sexual encounters?”

This question disrupted the back-and-forth banter and threw Kai for a loop. All she could think about was her encounter with Aaron the quarterback. She tried to maintain a nonchalance about the topic. Even though it was something she should discuss, it was too deep and embarrassing for her to talk about. She told herself she’d bring it up at a later session and tried to move the discussion along.

“Uh, I haven’t thought about it. It doesn’t seem like either of us is more into it than the other. I did show him a copy of Kama Sutra I had bought in Paris last summer, and we’ve used it quite a bit,” Kai said.

“I’d say that’s initiating things, Kai. It’s also pretty adult of you if you’re using Kama to open your communication about sex,” the therapist said.

“We are, we’ve studied it together and talk about what we like and don’t like,”

Kai paused in thought, knowing that she couldn’t let things go by without setting the stage for a later discussion about sexual tendencies.

“Humph, now that you got me thinking about it, I probably do start most of our lovemaking. It’s not like Conor is passive, far from it. He’s more apt to set up our opportunities, and I’m the one who usually instigates things. He’s an eager participant, I assure you,” Kai added.

“As a thought, try tracking who’s initiating, and next time we can talk more about it. What does your father think of Conor?”

“My father? Let me put it this way, I’ve said more to you in the last five minutes than to my dad in the last five weeks. He leaves me on my own and doesn’t talk to me. He takes no interest in anything I do, and to be honest, I’m perfectly fine with it. To answer your question, he doesn’t know that I exist let alone Conor,” Kai replied.

“Hmmm, I’m sorry to hear that, at some point, you need to tell him. Have you spoken or written to your Mom about him? I think your time with her in France may have paved the way for Conor to happen. I bet she would love to hear about him,” the therapist said.

“Yes, you’re right, she’d love to hear. I’ve been meaning to write her, and I will make this a priority.”

“O.K. let’s shift gears. I want you to think about any memory lapses you’ve experienced lately. Has there been a time when you were supposed to do something, and you had no idea about it?” The therapist asked.

Kai looked at the floor deep in thought and paused the conversation. Here it was again. It seemed she couldn’t get away from her tryst with Aaron. Her face became flushed, and her therapist made quick notes on her pad as Kai looked over at her.

“Have you had any memory lapses, Kai? Don’t feel like you can’t share them. It’s not unusual to have a gap in memory,” her therapist urged her on.

Kai was tempted to share her Aaron story but didn’t feel strong enough to go there yet.

“I can’t think of anything off the top of my head,” Kai finally replied.

“Has there been anything you were surprised by or something you didn’t expect?”

“I don’t know, why are you asking me this?” Kai asked showing her agitation.

“All right. If something like this pops up, I want you to write down what happened and bring it to our next session. Can you do that Kai?”

“Sure if it does, I’ll do it,” Kai replied.

“It’s possible with the trauma from your childhood and the divorce, that your mind is blocking out memories. For example, perhaps you are interacting with your father, and your conscious mind isn’t allowing you to keep it in your memory. I’m not implying this is happening, yet it wouldn’t be unusual if it were. Does this make any sense?” the therapist asked.

“Maybe, I guess anything is possible, but I assure you I have barely seen my dad let alone speak with him, your example is way off base,” Kai answered.

“All right, I understand. Have you spent any time at Conor’s house?”

“Oh yes, we’ve christened just about every room in his house,” Kai giggled, thankful for the shift in topic.

“O.K., not what I was looking for, how about when his parents are home? Have you met them?

“They actually invited me over for dinner, this weekend,” Kai lied.

∞

“Conor, I want to meet your mom and dad. Can you invite me over for dinner?” Kai asked as she hopped back into the Fairmont.

“Uh, sure, we can do that. Um, why is that the first thing - ”

“Good, I lied directly to my shrink’s face, that we’re eating dinner with your parents this weekend. If we can make that happen, I might not burn in hell.”

As they drove back toward town, Kai got a strong headache and started massaging her temples and the back of her head. Conor saw her slowly blinking her eyes as if she were trying to clear her head. She asked him to pull off Mountain Rest Rd. onto a small cul-de-sac with a circle at the end of the lane. Two houses were being built off the circle. No work was being done that day. Worried, he turned the car off and asked if she was all right.

Kai shook her head from side to side as if she were shaking some cobwebs out. When she looked over at Conor her eyes had cleared, and she said she never felt better. Smiling she told him they shouldn’t let a great opportunity go to waste.

He looked on amused as she hopped into the far back of the station wagon. Without speaking, she lowered the back seats, making the flat area much larger. With a seductive grin, using her index finger she motioned for Conor to join her. He laughed out loud.

She stripped off her clothes and was fully naked by the time Conor climbed over. Her lovemaking was wild as if she were a hormone-raging cheetah thrust into a pack of male cats. When they were through, even though it was fairly warm and humid outside, the windows of the Fairmont were all fogged up. They both were drenched with sweat and the scent in the car was beyond musky.

“That was on another level. We may want to change the twice-a-month shrink visits to twice a week,” Conor teased.

“She kept asking me all about you, and the more I told her the more she asked and the hotter I got. I couldn’t wait to get you home.”

“Somehow, I could tell. I think the windows will start dripping from the heat we’ve created!” Conor said with a droll smile.

Kai sat up and leaned her back against the back of the front seat. She slowly closed her eyes and just as slowly reopened them. She realized that she had initiated sex in the wildest fashion, exactly what her therapist asked about. Kai wondered if it was a reaction to bottling up her story about having sex with Aaron.

This time she had a sense of what she was doing, but there seemed to be something else driving her. She wasn’t exactly in a fog, but it seemed as if she was watching the two of them go at it from outside her body. It was a bit unnerving, still she quickly shook it off. It did get her thinking about other things she and her therapist discussed.

She reached for Conor’s hand and held it to her mouth. She started kissing it several times.

“We’ve known each other for years, and I never thought you could be my boyfriend. Not because you weren’t good enough, God no! I never thought of anyone as a boyfriend.”

Conor reached up with his other hand and cranked the backseat window down. They felt an immediate breath of cooling fresh air waft into the car.

“I think it’s one of the reasons we’ve become close as fast as we have. It was the same for me. I haven’t had a girlfriend at all in high school. Hell, besides the prom, I’ve hardly been on a date at all until you,” Conor said.

“My therapist means well and can also be a nudge about things sometimes. When you first started flirting with me across the gym in preseason practice, did you do that because I had grown bigger boobs?”

Conor didn’t answer right away, and Kai jumped in.

“I sat behind you in French class all junior year and you never looked at me like you did in the gym. My shrink suggested that was the reason, and it doesn’t matter to me, I love you, I just want to know.”

Conor laughed out loud, not a small laugh it was one from the gut. Kai didn’t join him and instead had a puzzled look on her face as he laughed at something she wasn’t sure was that funny.

Half laughing, Conor said, “If I were attracted to your gorgeous body, it would be the most natural thing in the world. Every animal on earth has their form of big boobs to attract a mate. You’re into biology; you know this better than me, and the amazing savage animal sex we just had underscores it.”

Kai pursed her lips and tilted her head in mock agreement, “So it’s true, if I were still flat-chested and four feet tall we never would’ve gotten together.”

“NO Kai! Your therapist has it all wrong. When I first saw you, I didn’t even recognize who you were. You gave off such a glow of confidence as you pranced around the court, I wanted to know more. Sure, I thought you were gorgeous, from the neck up with your cool hairdo and beautiful high cheekbones. That’s all I needed to see to want to learn more about you.”

“What, my curves did nothing for you?”

“Don’t you remember, you were wearing ancient baggy sweats, and none of those curves were on display Kai,” Conor replied.

“Oh yeah that’s right, what a dummy,” Kai lied.

She didn’t recall wearing sweats at all, or where they came from. It jolted her inside since her therapist had mentioned missing memories. She started to get a queasy feeling inside but kept it to herself. She was more upset with herself for lying to him than missing a memory she didn’t care about.

Conor looked directly into her eyes.

“I love your amazing body, I do, I really do.” He placed the palm of his hand between her breasts and said, “I love what’s inside of your body much, much more.”

This time Kai kissed him with an intensity that showed she understood and felt the same.

They got dressed, put the backseat into position, and rolled all the windows down airing out the car as they drove back to town.