February 8, 1979, Thursday, New Paltz

“Conor, I’m late.”

“Late for what, we’re on time,” Conor said to her as they walked into school.

Kai grabbed his hand and led him into the janitor’s closet off the hallway entrance and closed the door behind them. She had a worried look and Conor was totally confused why they were among the brooms and mop buckets.

“I’m never late, and it’s three days past.”

Conor finally caught up to her.

“It’s impossible Kai, you’re on the pill. I looked it up back in September, it’s 99.5% effective. Besides, it’s worked every month since, and we’ve had sex two to three times a day. It’ll be all right.”

Conor hugged her tightly as tears started to slide down her cheeks.

“Conor, I’m never late.”

“You’ve taken it every day, right? Give it another day and everything will be fine.”

“We’ve made love more than a hundred times. Conor, maybe we’ve reached the half percent!?” Kai hissed.

Conor could tell right away that Kai was freaked out, and it killed him to see her this way.

“Kai let’s go and buy a test at the drugstore. We can drive to Kingston where no one knows us. I’ll go into the store and buy it. You can stay in the car; it’ll be all right,” Conor calmly suggested.

“I’m scared,” Kai said as a new wave of tears cascaded down her face.

“I may have forgotten to take the pill once or twice, but like the instructions said, I always took an extra one when I did forget the very next day,” she admitted.

Conor stood in front of her with a hand on each shoulder, hunched down to her height, and looked straight into her eyes.

“Kai Adams, stop worrying about what you did or didn’t do, there’s no one to blame. We’re in this together as always.”

He reached up and wiped away her tears. “Now let’s get out of this closet and find out. I’ll tell the office that you’re not feeling well and I’m taking you home. We’ll drive to Kingston, get a test, and find out. O.K.?”

Kai nodded her head, took a deep breath, and they walked out.

∞

“Oh my God, what are we going to do?” Kai asked as she showed Conor the positive indicator. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

Conor stopped pacing in front of her bed, let out a long slow breath, and stared at his feet.

“Nothing has to be done this minute, or even today,” Conor said with as much confidence as he could muster. “We need to let the shock wear off, and then figure out what to do. Right?”

Kai didn’t respond and she wrapped her arms around Conor’s waist. Tears were streaming down her face and dripping onto Conor’s shirt. She wasn’t sobbing, though she did look like her world was about to end.

“Look, we’re strong enough to deal with this Kai. You may have it growing inside of you, but it wouldn’t be growing if it weren’t for me. You are not alone. We did this together and we’ll face this together, you and me. Do you understand?” Conor asked.

Kai nodded and rested her head on Conor’s shoulder.

“Don’t tell anyone, for now,” Kai whispered in his ear.

It was late in the afternoon and getting dark. Conor needed some alone time to think things through. He told Kai that he would be at his house and if she wanted him to come back, talk, or anything to call him. Either way, he said he would call her later or stop by, and if she didn’t want to be alone, he’d take her to his house for the night.

∞

Conor glanced over at the alarm clock on his bedside table, it was well after midnight. He got up and went into the bathroom to splash cold water on his face. As he walked back to his room, a door opened a crack, and his mom poked her head out into the hall. After seeing her son with an air of permanent bliss for several months, the worried look she saw was striking. She reached out with a look of concern and saw his eyes brimming with water. She squeezed his arm and nodded toward the kitchen.

Knowing he needed time to collect his thoughts, she didn’t ask him anything while she made them each a cup of herbal tea. They sat at the kitchen table, each with one arm stretched out to the other holding hands, and quietly sipped from their cups.

His mother had fallen in love with his dad when she was Conor’s age. They wanted to get married right away, unfortunately, she was Irish Protestant, and he was Irish Catholic. Conor’s grandparents refused to allow her to marry what they considered a lowly, poor Catholic boy. In the late 1940s, religion mattered greatly, especially for those of Irish heritage.

Their love was very deep, and they decided to elope against her parent’s wishes. For the next ten years, Conor’s grandparents refused to allow her dad in their house and had nothing to do with any of them. It was beyond painful, eventually five grandkids later, they slowly acquiesced. Having lived through that difficult challenge as a young woman, his mom fully grasped how difficult it could be for a young couple, and she knew what Kai and Conor meant to each other.

“It’s difficult to know where to begin, and it’s something we haven’t really talked much about,” Conor said.

“As difficult as it might be, there’s a good chance that it’s something I’m not wholly unfamiliar with,” she replied.

“I doubt it,” Conor said.

Shifting gears, he asked, “When you and dad fell for each other, what was it like? Once you knew he was the one, what did it feel like?”

She took a sip of tea and thought about what her youngest was asking. By the time Conor was old enough to notice such things, her relationship with his dad had greatly matured. Her husband was her soulmate, still, showing how they felt about each other after almost thirty years wasn’t that obvious.

“I’ve told you how we met at a summer camp. I was your age and worked as a kitchen helper. Dad had graduated from college and was in charge of camp athletics. We fell for each other right away, and like you and Kai, he was my first, and as it turned out, only love. It was magical Conor. I had never felt that way about anyone, and it felt like I was floating on a cloud that whole summer. I’m quite sure he was too.”

“How did you know, how did you show it to each other?”

“Conor, people were less forward in those days. I could tell by how he moved and how he looked into my eyes that he loved me. We smooched behind the dining hall a few times and eventually told each other how we felt. It was wonderful.”

“It sounds like it,” Conor said. He was having a hard time getting to the point, “Things were different then.”

“God yes, there was no Summer of Love, no women’s lib, no burning bras back then. Most women didn’t work, they took care of the family. When I earned my master’s degree, I was the only woman in my class,” she recalled.

“With Kai, it feels the same way you did, like floating and nothing else seems to matter.”

“Yet, something seems to have happened?” his mom implied.

“Mom, all those things you mentioned have happened, and sex is something that happens all the time. It’s beyond normal. In school, if you’re active socially, you’ve probably had sex with someone, even though I never had when I met Kai.”

“As a high school librarian Conor, I’m pretty aware,” she said.

“The thing is, both Kai and I weren’t like that. It’s difficult to share this with you,” Conor said with a face red with shame.

His mom squeezed his hand and with a small caring smile, conveyed her understanding. Conor took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

“With Kai, she and I, uh, sex is not sex, it’s making love. I wouldn’t do it otherwise, and she was the first and only one. It’s how we show how deeply we feel, and the way we feel is beyond intense. It’s hard to describe to you, we love each other so much that we’d make love all day if we could,” Conor admitted.

Knowing about teen sex in her high school was one thing, yet hearing her youngest describe his own sexual experiences was something else. Her heart was beating fast, and she felt embarrassed to be talking about it. She had a feeling where this was headed, and for him to be sharing this, knew he needed a caring mom, not a “how could you” mom. That might come later, not right now. She swallowed the obvious questions, and gave a sincere concerned look, letting the silence fill the space.

“The reason you haven’t seen much of me lately is that at Kai’s house, her father gave her what amounts to an apartment in the basement. It has its own bathroom and a door to the backyard. He treats her as a tenant who pays no rent. She can have any visitor she wants and can come and go as she pleases. He barely talks to her. I’ve only met him once.”

His mom got up and poured more hot water into each of their cups. She sat down, dunked her used tea bag in the hot water, and looked at Conor to continue.

“Mom, I know we’re only in high school, yet for the last six months we’ve been living like we’re adults. We talk about life, we read to each other, do homework, and share how we feel about all sorts of things. We both have said how we feel is like a lifetime type of love. She’s my best friend and soul mate. It’s like we were meant to find each other somehow.”

“O.K., then why are we having tea at one in the morning?”

Conor looked away, blinking back the water rimming his eyes again. He knew by sharing with his mom he had to face things head-on. It scared him to no end.

“From the very first time we decided to have sex, Kai had birth control pills. We researched and found that there was a half percent chance of a pregnancy and felt confident we were covered. We were wrong. Kai is pregnant.”

His mom swallowed hard. The way he conveyed the story, she sensed this is where it would end, and still held out hope it was something else. Having had five children, she was uniquely qualified to discuss this, but the world had changed. Back when she was in high school, there was no decision to be made. You had the baby or found a back-room procedure, usually conducted by a midwife or worse. Few doctors would risk their license on something that taboo.

It had only been five years since the Supreme Court decision making abortion legal in the first three months of pregnancy. Although it gave women the right to decide what was right for their bodies, it morally still struck a very raw nerve. Most women, 15% more than men, believe that life begins at conception. Catholics, like her and Conor, had been taught by the Church that abortion is murdering unborn children.

Still, in the most recent 1979 Harris Poll, 60% of Americans were pro-choice, and 80% think abortion is fine in case of rape, the mother’s health, or baby defects. Before the national law, most states had strict abortion laws on their books, and today it’s legal throughout the land.

It was difficult for Kai and Conor to consider any of it, as they loved each other unconditionally. This made any thought of a pregnancy that came from their lovemaking, sacrosanct. Or at least something that couldn’t be dissolved easily.

She reached over and held Conor’s hand and thought about what to say.

“What are we going to do mom?”

“Well, whatever you do, it’s best to discuss it together. Lay out the practical and the moral issues side by side and decide what is most important,” his mom said.

“What are they?”

“Conor, you know what they are, you tell me,” she said.

He took a deep breath as he thought about what she asked.

“All right, practically speaking, both Kai and I are only starting out. A baby would drastically change what that will look like. Most people our age aren’t having kids, and raising a child will end a social life,” Conor said.

“Not sure that’s where I’d start, still you’re probably right.”

“Of course, sorry, college and careers come first, they’d be affected and that’s way more important, especially for Kai. Even if they allow women with babies in the dorms, it would be tough.”

“I think you’re missing one of the biggest practical issues, and having done it five times, it’s one not to overlook,” his mom said.

“Yeah, duh. Kai would have to physically have the baby, and nine months from now would be sometime in, let’s see, July, August, September. Right, she’d have it in September, meaning that she’d miss the fall semester. Hell, she’d probably miss the spring too. This would set her back a full year,” Conor figured.

“Conor, do you think you’d start school in the fall with all this happening?”

“Wow, I didn’t think of that.”

“And what about you two? Would you have your child start their life without being their father?” his mom asked.

“What do you mean? I’d be the father.”

“Not officially unless you and Kai –“

“- were married!” Conor interrupted. “Oh my God, how did I overlook that? This is getting overwhelming.”

“Well, if that was the path taken, you can be sure your father and I will be there every step of the way. You and Kai will not be alone,” his mom assured him. “There may be other areas to consider. How about the moral issues?”

Conor looked into his mom’s eyes and sat quietly thinking about her question. It was a very solemn moment between them.

“This is a bit clearer, and there really is only one. The agony of deciding to end one life before it’s started. Unless there are complications, what Kai and I have begun inside of her will grow into a living person. Is it right to squash that possibility?” Conor agonized.

“I think you’ve laid it out pretty well. I would add that some people say a fertilized egg has no idea it is being aborted since at that early stage it hasn’t developed enough to know,” Conor’s mom said.

“Yes, I hear that, though I wonder if that’s merely an excuse.”

“I’m not advocating anything Conor, I only want to be sure you have all the cards on the table,” his mom added. “Beyond abortion, Kai could deliver the baby and put it up for adoption. Although I doubt it would work in our family, sometimes an older married sibling can step in to raise the baby. These are your options”

“This is going to get very sticky isn’t it?”

“What’s getting sticky, and what are you two doing up after one in the morning?” Conor’s dad asked as he walked in the kitchen.

What Conor didn’t know was that his parents both woke up when he splashed water on his face. Having raised five kids, his dad knew that if there was something to get off your chest, his wife was the one to go. His dad had heard them talking. It wasn’t loud enough for him to hear what it was about. He knew his wife would let him know soon enough.

Both Conor and his mom looked over at dad, and neither said a thing.

“Whatever it is, it will still be sticky in the morning, and a better-rested mind will be able to tackle it. Off to bed with you two,” Conor’s dad told them and then ushered them back toward the bedrooms.

 

February 8, 1979, Thursday, New Paltz

Earlier that night, Kai had cried her eyes out with the news, mostly because she was on her own. Conor had called to check on her, and he was sweet about it, still, he didn’t have a baby growing inside of him. This was one night when she missed her mom more than any other. She wished she could call her, but it was too late in Paris and Kai only had her work phone number.

She called her friend Kiki on the party line, and after a few pleasantries, Kai broke out in tears.

“I’m pregnant Kiki, and I’m scared,” Kai cried.

“What, no way! How could that be, you’re on the pill?”

“It’s not a hundred percent effective even though it says that on the package. I guess we’ve done it too many times and the odds caught up with us,” Kai replied.

“That doesn’t sound right somehow.”

“It’s also possible that I forgot to take it once or twice,” Kai admitted.

“It doesn’t matter how, I assume you took a pregnancy test, you’re sure?”

“There’s no doubt Kiki, I’m pregnant”

“Have you told Kate?”

“I can’t face her right now; she’ll be all over me. She’ll blame Conor and want to shoot someone,” Kai said.

“Yeah, you’re right, you’ll need to let her know sooner than later,” Kiki advised. “What are you going to do? Have you thought about having it?” Kiki asked.

“That’s all I’ve thought about. Conor and I made love every day to show each other how intense our love was. A baby coming from that would be beyond special.”

“Do you think Conor would marry you?”

“It’s only been six months, but I know he would. Even if I weren’t pregnant, I think we’d marry at some point,” Kai said.

“Have you thought it all the way through? A baby at eighteen is going to be different. Most of us won’t even consider it for another five to ten years,” Kiki said.

“No doubt it’s not ideal, the tiny egg inside of me will be a little person in eight months Kiki, and it’ll be Conor’s too. I’ll have to deal with it.”

As the thought of having a baby so young sunk in, Kai began to cry into the phone.

“Kai, it’ll be O.K.”

“I can’t believe this has happened Kiki,” Kai cried out to her.

“Listen, you may not want to talk about it, but there is another way, and it’s totally legal. If you go in that direction, you can still have your life and still have Conor too,” Kiki offered.

This thought brought even more tears, and Kiki said nothing while Kai cried herself out.

∞

The next morning after calling to let Kai know he’d be over to see her soon, Conor called in sick to school. He sat on the sofa in the living room, and it brought up memories of their first night together. He thought about how far they’d come since then and how much she meant to him. If you were to ask him a week ago, considering parenthood was the farthest thing from his mind.

With all the news articles he read after the Supreme Court decision, he always sided with the notion that abortion was wrong. In one of those articles, it said that a fertilized egg would grow into a perfectly healthy person ninety-seven percent of the time. He kept thinking about how messed up it was for he or Kai to have to decide who should live or not.

No longer a theoretical, he was confronted with the personal reality of how a newborn would affect his and Kai’s life. The torture of deciding to end one life before it started, or immeasurably alter two lives starting out in adulthood was beyond compare – especially since he loved the mother so deeply. For Conor, it was agony to have to make that choice.

When he thought of Kai, he thought how selfish it would be for him to ask her to have the baby. Although he would be there every step of the way, it would still fall on her to have the kid grow inside of her. She’d have to deliver it, and then breastfeed the baby for months, and nurture them for years.

As much as he felt strongly on moral grounds that a person starts from conception, he understood the science where they don’t develop enough to survive until about five months. It was an incredibly hard situation. One decision he did make was an easy one. He and Kai would discuss it, and in the end, he’d leave it up to her. It was her body, and she would need to decide, and he’d support whatever she chose to do.

His mother took the day off too and sat down next to her son on the sofa.

“Kai must be beside herself without her mother here. Why don’t you ask her to come over for dinner tonight?” his mom asked.

∞

Kai was freaked out at the thought of speaking openly about her pregnancy with Conor’s parents. Yet here she was walking in their door. Conor assured her that they’d make no judgments and merely were there to listen and help.

Over Ziti with meatballs, Conor’s dad said, “ This is new ground for all of us, and no one has all the answers.”

“ Kai, we both think you’re a wonderful young woman with a big heart, and we’re glad that you and Conor care so deeply about each other,” his mom added.

His dad continued, “Keep in mind, that although you have a difficult decision to make, the sun will rise again tomorrow and those who love you most will be by your side.”

“We will support whatever path you choose in pretty much a divine way,” his mom added.

Kai was relieved and it seemed a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She held Conor’s hand under the table and gave him a squeeze to let him know she felt better. She asked his mom questions about when she had her first baby, and what it was like to be a new mother.

Conor’s parents glanced at each other with joyful eyes, when hearing Kai ask what it would be like to have the baby. They knew how difficult it would be since they were such a young couple, yet as idealistic baby boomer parents, neither liked the idea of abortion.

“Morally the choice to have a baby or not is a tough one. If this had happened 10 years ago, there wouldn’t be much of a choice for either of you, his dad said.

“That’s right, you’d have had the baby and more than likely gotten married. Certainly, your lives would have been quite different, maybe in a good or great way, yet still different,” his mom said.

Being able to listen and discuss it at all helped Kai enormously. She still hadn’t gotten through to her mom and had no one to talk to besides Conor and Kiki. Before they ended the discussion, Conor’s mom said something prosaic and profound.

“I will tell you one thing for certain. Whatever direction you take, ending the pregnancy will be just as difficult as starting a family while barely out of High School. Either decision will be something that neither of you will never forget.”

 

February 11, 1979, Sunday, New Paltz

“Kate, it’s Kai, I need to tell you something”

Kate had been best friends with Kai since they shared a biology class sophomore year. Kate possessed a tough exterior but had a big heart and cared deeply about the things that mattered most, her friends. She had a strong protective streak, and always looked out for Kai giving her someone to lean on when things didn't go s planned.

“Well, it’s about time, I thought you were mad at me or something, what’s up?”

“Gosh no, I could never be angry with you Kate, ever.”

“I know Kai, I’ll be there for you always.”

“Well, that’s why I’ve been a bit quiet the last few days. Something’s come up and I didn’t want to get you mad about it,” Kai said. “I’m pregnant.”

“What! I’ll freaking kill him. How could Conor do this to you? That testosterone-fueled animal. I will squash him like a bug. He’s a dead man,” Kate fumed.

“Kate, no. I love Conor. If anything, I’m to blame. My therapist thinks I’m a sex fiend and she’s not wrong, I initiate sex with him pretty much every time,” Kai said. “Please calm down.”

“Hmmm, maybe Kiki is rubbing off on you. Still, I’m sure he enjoys every bit of it, Kai, what guy wouldn’t? Just look at you! Still, you wouldn’t be in this fix if it weren’t for him.”

“Kate we’re in it together, besides, I’m not sure it’s as much of a fix as you think. I love him and I’ll love the baby we have as much or even more.”

“Now I know you’re insane. Kai, you’re still in high school, you have your whole life ahead of you. Having a baby now will derail your brilliant future. A single parent with a dead-beat dad is no way to start out in life,” Kate said. “I am totally going to skin him alive!”

“Kate stop. I’m serious about having the baby, and you couldn’t be more wrong about Conor. If we go forward and have it, of course, he’ll marry me,” Kai cried.

“O.K., O.K., I’m sorry Kai. At least it’s good to hear he’ll make an honest woman of you,” Kate said with less venom. “I hate to see you in this situation.”

“Look, no decisions have been made. I’m beginning to understand what’s at stake and having it or ending it with an abortion are both still up in the air,” Kai said.

“All right. Whatever you choose I’m on your side, always. What about your dad, you’re not going to tell him are you?” Kate asked.

“Haven’t put much thought to it, still…” Kai hesitated to finish

“You know what I think of that,” Kate said without needing to finish to get her point across.

∞

Kai eventually got a hold of her mom in Paris, and they had a long cry over the phone. It was a difficult position for her mom, being on the other side of the Atlantic. She offered to fly over, and Kai would have loved it but asked her to stay in Paris. With the nasty divorce, her presence might cause more trouble than help if her dad found out.

Her mom had Kai when she was not much older than Kai was now. Back in the early 1960s, it wasn’t unusual for a girl to get married and have kids right after high school. Sure, twenty years later things were a bit different, but still, marrying the right guy was the key. Her mom married the wrong guy, and without really knowing Conor, it was hard to offer any advice. If he were anything like Kai’s dad, she’d tell Kai to head to Planned Parenthood at once.

As it was, all she could do was remind Kai that she had options, that she herself didn’t have. It made sense to consider them fully. If Conor were the one, after college they could still get married and have a whole houseful of kids. Throughout their call, Kai told her mom several times how much she loved Conor. It was hard for Kai’s mom to really grasp what that meant, as she was more focused on wanting Kai to have the life she didn’t.

Kai listened and understood. What she didn’t tell her mom was having an abortion would be like tearing a part of Conor out of her.

Before ending the call, Kai again mentioned the idea of wanting Conor to join her on the next visit to Paris. She wanted her mom to meet him and be able to show her how amazing he was. Her mom not only agreed but told Kai she’d pay for their trip and suggested they come in the spring, instead of waiting for the summer.

∞

Although leaning in a certain direction, they both agreed to have one last long discussion about their situation and make a final decision. They met after school at Kai’s house. Being February, she placed extra quilts on the floor’s carpeting and arranged several throw pillows. When Conor arrived, he found her under the quilts waiting for him. He pulled them back to get under and found her completely naked.

She gave him a sexy smile and he dropped to the floor and kissed her for several minutes as she pulled his clothes off. After making love, she told him she wanted to show him that no matter what, she loved him like never before. Conor didn’t say anything in response, yet the look he gave told her he felt the same.

They talked for several hours reviewing everything they had heard from family and friends. As they shared their feelings, they began to realize they felt the same way. Ending something that they’d created together from their intense love for each other was impossible to do.

They knew in the future they could have other kids, yet how different would this little baby be from their future offspring? All of Conor’s siblings were different, they could be missing out on someone that could change history. Worse, what if something happened and they couldn’t have others? Everything seemed to lead to having the baby that they had already created and dealing with the future that came with it.

Before Conor left for the night, they agreed to not share their decision with anyone for a few days.

The last thing was sharing her predicament with her father. Kai went back and forth about whether to bring him up to speed on their situation. After their long discussion, they both concluded that being upfront about it was best. He’d find out soon enough as the months passed and telling him was the right thing to do.

Conor was concerned about what his reaction would be and wanted to be there in case he went off the deep end. Kai told him she could manage it, but if he was concerned, she had no problem with Conor being on the other side of the slider in the backyard.

∞

Kai saw her dad at the top of the stairs and asked him to come down to her bedroom.

“Dad, I need to share something with you,” Kai began.

Her father had his usual annoyed look when having to deal with his children.

“What is it you want now,” he snapped.

“As you know, I’ve been dating Conor Walsh for the last year. As you also know, he’s the best thing that’s happened to me, and I love him very much.”

“When are you going to realize that puppy love among children is only a phase?” he chided her.

Kai sighed and let out a deep breath before soldiering on.

“You know I turned eighteen last month. I’m viewed by the world as an adult. I can vote, join the army, buy alcohol, and care for someone more than loving a puppy,” Kai retorted.

“I’m also old enough now to decide who I will marry and have a family with, something you and mom decided not much older than I am now.”

“Are you telling me you will be marrying this little boy, is that it?” her dad snorted.

“Little boy? Really? That’s what you want to say to me?” Kai asked without wanting an answer.

“You can’t be serious? I thought you had a smarter head on your shoulders than that,” he said.

“I don’t know why I bother with you, but here goes. No, I’m not telling you I’m getting married, I’m telling you I’m pregnant,” Kai said.

Kai’s father was taken aback. It was not the direction he thought things were going. As he processed this new information, he got an even more indignant look on his face.

“Where is this boy?” he asked.

“He’s also eighteen and viewed as an adult in the eyes of the world, except for you. He’s right outside,” Kai replied.

Kai’s father opened the slider to her room and waved Conor inside. They both stood in front of her sofa. Kai with a noticeable look of defiance, and Conor with an unwavering serious face.

“I see you finally took advantage of my slutty daughter and got her knocked up haven’t you?” her dad said to Conor.

“And you, the town tramp bringing shame and disgrace to this family. Well, I won’t stand for it!” he said to Kai.

Kai’s eyes were getting redder by the second. She started rubbing the temples on her head with both hands and slowly blinked her eyes to clear them.

“Sir, you may want to –“ Conor started to say.

“Be quiet boy. I want you out of this house, and out of our lives. You are to never come here, meet or speak with anyone in my family ever again. And you young lady will be off to the abortion clinic first thing tomorrow to get rid of that bastard child,” He barked at them both.

When he was finished, Kai looked at him with pure hatred. She seemed to grow larger before their eyes, and moved one foot slightly in front of the other as if she were about to launch herself in his direction. She picked up a letter opener that was lying on her desk and looked back at her father.

“Listen, very, carefully,” Kai said to him with a slow smoldering cadence. “You have hurt me for the very, very last time. You are a small man who has bullied your way through life and whose bark has lost its bite. You took away my mother with your lies and deceptions, and you will not take away the one thing left in my life that I care most about.”

Her father recoiled and leaned back away from his daughter. Perspiration created a sheen on his forehead and a look of concern was obvious in his eyes.

“All I have to do is call the judge, begin sharing your real story, and you’ll be ruined,” Kai hissed.

“This is what will happen. I’ll decide what to do about my pregnancy, and you’ll have no say in the matter. I will stay in this house no more than the time needed to collect my things and find a new place to live. You will not speak to me, or Conor again, and you will stay out of this room until I’m gone.”

Kai seemed ten feet tall and pointed the letter opener toward her dad in a threatening manner.

“Is that understood?” she barked in a loud voice.

Without waiting for an answer, she turned to Conor and spoke to him with a soft comforting tone. Conor was stunned at how she completely switched her personality in the blink of an eye.

“I think for now, it’s best if you leave, I’ll reach out to you soon, I promise,” she cooed.

Kai gave Conor a small smile and squeezed his wrist to reassure him that she’d be all right. He hesitated and looked over at her father.

Conor turned and took a full step in Kai’s father’s direction, staring at him with a menacing look.

“If you hurt her, even a teeny bit, emotionally or otherwise, you’ll deal with me, and I assure you I won’t be using words,” Conor said.

He squeezed Kai’s upper arm and walked out through the slider.

Kai turned back toward her dad. He looked defeated and somewhat contrite. Kai merely pointed at the door of her room and raised her voice several decibels.

“Out!”

 

February 15, 1979, Thursday, New Paltz

Her reassurance to Conor that she’d be all right was a bit of false bravado. The confrontation with her father spooked Kai beyond measure. As she sat alone in her room, she couldn't stop herself from shaking and as the night wore on it became much worse. She began having a migraine-level headache that constant massaging of her temples and the back of her neck, along with copious amounts of aspirin couldn’t relieve.

Kai was rewinding her past and it dredged up all the childhood trauma that she tried to ignore. Every slight, every time he hit her mom, every tirade directed at her as a small child, all the ugly deceptions, the abuse, and suffering she grew up with went through her head in a disturbing film loop.

As she lay on her bed in agony, she realized she needed to be protected from these situations. The ugly drama with her father was caused by her pregnancy. Throughout the evening she thought of nothing else, and the more she thought of her predicament, the deeper she fell into a deeper and darker emotional abyss.

The phone rang a few times, but she couldn’t answer. The swirling feelings in her could not be lessened with words from Conor or anyone. Kai blacked out around midnight.

Early the next morning she woke in a total emotional fog. Somehow she was able to call Ashley and shared how helpless she felt. She asked Ash to take her, and a few hours later, Kai was no longer pregnant.

∞

After the abortion, Ashley brought Kai to her house and put her to bed to recuperate and rest. After a few hours of napping, Ashley heard a loud mournful wailing coming from her room, she rushed in and saw Kai was in a dreadful state. Her eyes were rimmed with red, her arms had scratches from her wrist to her elbow, and she had a distorted painful look on her face. There was blood on the pillows and sheets. Her t-shirt was also soaked from sweat and tears. She was devastated.

Ashley rushed over and wrapped her arms around her, and Kai just continued to moan and wail inconsolably. Ashley held her for the next hour, and finally, words came with the wailing.

“What have you d, d, done? Did you get an abortion? Did you kill my baby? Ohhhh, myyy God, I will burn in hell. How could you! I didn’t want this. Where is Michael? My dad should be in jail for what he’s done. Dad is a torturer! I didn’t want this. Why did you do this? My baby is gone, my baby is gone, noooo, noooo, noooo!”

These words of anguish were repeated over and over for the next few hours, and the remorse was so painful that Ashley cried right along with her. It seemed to Ashley that Kai was unaware she had gone to the clinic, and she was blaming someone else for ending her pregnancy. Ash thought of calling Conor, but she felt Kai was too raw emotionally to see anyone, even him.

By late afternoon, Kai finally collapsed into a tormented sleep. She tossed and turned and was out cold from exhaustion.

Toward the end of the day, Ashley’s mom came home from work, and Ash shared the whole story with her. She had previously told her mom what Kai’s dad was really like, and how it seemed she had an abortion she clearly didn’t want.

Ashley’s mom knew about the Adams divorce and how Kai’s dad had bullied his soon to be ex-wife and told stories that couldn’t possibly be true.

From what Ashley had told her about Kai’s wailing, it seemed that somehow her father had played a part in her misery. She knew it was meddling, but felt it was necessary and moved quickly to get Kai out of the abusive situation. She checked on Kai and saw that she was totally out of it. She called her husband and asked him to come home right away to sit with Kai in case she woke up.

While Kai slept, Ashley and her mom went to clean out Kai’s room. Her father stayed away and didn’t bother to ask what they were doing. They stripped everything and brought all her clothes, wall art, books, and anything not nailed down to their in-law apartment over the garage. They had built it years ago for Ashley’s grandmother, and it had been unused since she passed away.

Kai woke up with a cold compress on her forehead, and Ashley and her mom sitting on the bed each holding one of her hands. Kai was unaware of where she was, and it took her a minute to realize who was with her.

Once acclimated to her surroundings, she had a total shift in her demeanor from the edge of sanity to a peaceful almost angelic persona.

With her head resting on a pillow, Kai looked up at Ashley and calmly said in a soft voice, “I will be all right. I can’t thank you enough for being there for me, you are amazing. I don’t know what I’d have done without you.”

Kai looked over to Ashley’s mom and smiled. After her emotional breakdown earlier in the day, it was spooky how she was so serene and tranquil in her movements and speech. It was as if she was transformed into a different person who was now resolved to their fate with nothing left to be done.

“I’m so sorry I’ve been such a burden. Thank you for putting up with me. If I can borrow some clothes I’ll get dressed and get out of your hair,” Kai said to Ashley’s mom.

“It’s all right Kai, you don’t have to go anywhere,” Ashley said, and she looked over at her mom for reassurance.

“That’s right, we’re going to take care of you from now on. You will not have to confront anyone anymore. You’re safe now,” Ash’s mom said.

There was a long pause as Kai looked up at the ceiling, like someone who was looking over the horizon at something they couldn’t quite grasp. She slowly looked back at Ash’s mom.

“I’m safe?” Kai asked, as a single large teardrop poured out her eye and rolled down her cheek, splashing on the pillow.

“Yes, while you slept we stripped your room in your father’s girlfriend’s house of everything. We brought it all here and all your clothes and belongings are in our in-law's apartment over the garage,” Ashley’s mom said.

“When you feel better, in the next few days we can get you all set up. We even brought all your pictures and those cool fans off the walls, everything,” Ashley said.

Kai closed her eyes for several seconds, and her eyelids trembled as if they were half blinking. She then rubbed her temples and slowly opened them.

“I don’t know what to say,” Kai said.

“Well, before you get concerned about anything else, I want you to know that ever since your mom got railroaded out of town, I’ve felt so badly for you. You and Ashley have been like sisters since the first grade, and I want you to think of us as family.”

Ashley’s mom reached over and brushed Kai’s hair, and gently rubbed the back of her fingers across her cheek. The look Kai returned was one of intense relief that she wasn’t alone.

“As for the apartment, you and Ash will have some cleaning to do. It’s been collecting dust for the last few years, but the apartment is yours. You can stay there as long as you like, as a place to come home from college, to live when college is over, and forever thereafter if you want. I will hear nothing about paying rent, you are family Kai,” Ash’s mom said.

Overwhelmed with emotion, Kai reached out to both Ashley’s mom and Ash in a three-way hug while new joyful tears streamed down her cheeks, and thanked them between sobs for their kindness and generosity.

“Also, I want to be perfectly clear about you and Conor Walsh. He is an amazing guy. You two are so wonderful together, and I want you to know that he’s always welcome here. It’s your apartment and no one is going to watch who comes, who stays, or who goes. You decide,” Ashley’s mom added.

Kai loved how welcoming and supportive they were. After struggling on her own with no family to speak of, with an uncaring father and a mother unable to see her, she felt a warmth inside that she hadn’t sensed in years.

∞

The inner warmth she felt from Ashley’s family was accompanied by a hollowness that would probably never heal. She dreaded what still had to be done. Letting Conor know what she had done would be one of the most difficult things she would ever do.

Just after supper, Ashley called Conor to come over to her house. She explained that Kai was there and needed to see him. Ash didn’t say why she was there, but without saying, he knew something had happened.

Since leaving her house after the confrontation with her father, he had tried to call her several times throughout the day, but Kai hadn’t called back. He knew that if her father had harmed her in some way, she would have called him. He felt that her silence was just her wanting to have some alone time to accept the future they had both mapped out the day before, so he wasn’t too worried. When the next thing he heard was from her best friend, he was worried as it wasn't a good sign.

Conor was beyond anxious and nervous as Ash led him to the guest room where Kai was staying. When he saw her lying on the bed, totally looking weak and disheveled, he rushed over to her. He was so worried, and he reached for her hand and saw all the scratches on both her arms. He frantically searched her face and her head for other bruises.

“I swear to God I will kill him,” Conor said, thinking that her father had abused her and wrapped his arms around her.

Tears started streaking down Kai’s cheeks.

“Conor, he didn’t do anything to me, at least not physically.”

They held each other for a moment and then he leaned back and looked at her with a concerned look, urging Kai to tell him what had happened.

“Do you know how deeply I love you? Forever and ever. Do you?” Kai pleaded.

“Yes, to the furthest star and back and always,” Conor said quietly as his eyes brimmed with tears.

“I got up this morning and didn’t know who I was, but I was in such a fugue state. I was able to call Ash and she came over. The way my father said those ugly things dredged up horrible memories Conor, awful things that took me to a dark place I haven’t been in years. The next thing I knew I was here in this room with terrible pains inside.”

“What happened, are you all right?”

“I realized that I had an abortion and killed our baby Conor. I know it’s unforgivable, there’s no saying sorry, ever. I blocked it all out, in a fog. I was like in the passenger seat of a car and not able to steer or reach the brake pedal, and then got thrown in the trunk into total blackness. The next thing I knew I woke here with bloody sheets and realized what happened. I killed our baby and there’s nothing I can say…”

Kai started sobbing loudly and couldn’t catch her breath. She began hyperventilating, her whole body trembled for several minutes. She wasn’t getting enough oxygen and her eyes rolled to the top of her head with only the whites showing. She started to shudder and jolt violently gasping for air.

Conor was freaked out.

He shook her, slapping her cheeks several times, and calling her name forcefully over and over to get her attention. After several tense moments, she began catching her breath and calming down as Conor kept telling her he wasn’t going anywhere, he loved her, and she would be all right.

Her eyes rolled back in place, quickly blinking several times. As she slowly regained her breathing, her blinking slowed too. She blinked twice very slowly and then opened her eyes, looked up at him, and then lowered her head to her chest.

“Thank you, I thought I was going under there,” she said quietly, and then wrapped her arms around her middle, leaned her head on his shoulder, and cried softly.

With things calmer, the news sunk in, and Conor was in shock. When they had discussed keeping the baby, he was so happy they weren’t ending a life, a life he and Kai had created. Now in a flash, that was all gone, something had changed, and he felt emotionally whiplashed.

As she cried on his shoulder, he knew something powerful must have clicked in her to go through with it without him. He may never know what it was.

After seeing her a hair breath away from calling an ambulance, he wasn’t about to ask her to clarify things. It left an emptiness deep inside, and thinking about their unborn child, Conor let loose his emotions and tears.

They held each other for the longest time, there was nothing said. She secretly begged for forgiveness, and he didn’t think there was anything to forgive. Looking into Conor’s eyes and seeing his heart-wrenching tears was something Kai would never forget.

After they had cried themselves out. Conor whispered into Kai’s ear that he loved her, and they’d get over the sadness. He told her that it was their incredible love story that brought them to this point, and they’d get through it together.

They both leaned their backs against the headboard of the bed and stared out into space, not registering anything, just caught up in their thoughts. They sat there quietly side by side for more than an hour, saying nothing.

Kai broke the spell by reaching her pinky finger and running it over the balled fist of his hand. After a few minutes, Conor opened his hand and their small fingers embraced. Nothing more.

 

February 16, 1979, Friday, New Paltz

The next day, Ashley and Kai got busy dusting and setting up the apartment over the garage. It was larger than expected with a full kitchen and bathroom. The space was fully furnished with a TV, phone, sofa, coffee table, and easy chairs. In the bedroom, there was a queen-sized bed, a dresser, and plenty of closet space. Instead of her basement bedroom, this was a real apartment, and it was three times larger than what Kai had left behind.

All the furnishings were kind of old-fashioned, something a grandmother would choose. They were able to decorate with the items from Kai’s house. When they were finished it looked much different and had a European feel masking over the stodginess.

After school, Conor came over to see the new digs. Kai made sure that Ashley was there to avoid any potential awkwardness. To keep things light, she suggested they watch General Hospital on TV. The Luke and Laura romance was going full steam and like most in their class, the two girls were fully caught up in the drama. Conor had heard kids talking about the show but wasn’t keen on watching soap operas. Still, he settled in and all three munched on Cheetos and watched the hour-long drama where nothing much happened. It was a perfect escape.

When it was almost over, Ashley remembered that she promised to clean her room before her mom came home from work and she took off.

“Swell place you have here, it’s amazing what Ashley’s family have done,” Conor said.

“It is,” Kai warily replied.

“You’re like totally on your own, your own house,” Conor added.

“Yeah,” Kai said as she nonchalantly shook her head and her eyes roamed around the apartment.

“How often do you need to check in with Ashley’s parents?”

“Never.”

Conor looked away from Kai and stared down at his feet. He was certain there was definitely something he did or didn’t do that was bothering Kai. They had never been this way and he was flummoxed as to what to do about it.

Kai glanced over at Conor as he stared at the floor. She looked away and let out a nervous breath. She was sure he was upset with her about the abortion. They’d never had any friction between them before. She didn’t know what to say or what to do to make it better.

At the same time, they looked each other in the eye, and both with mirrored thoughts they blurted out simultaneously.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all my fault.”

“No, really it’s…”

“Me!”

They stopped talking and smiled at each other.

“Conor, can we move past things? I know it’s hard for you to forgive –“

“Stop right there,” Conor interrupted. “I want nothing more than to move forward. This rift or whatever it is that’s between us has me tied up in knots.”

Relieved, Kai reached out to his hand and her fingers immediately intertwined with his. The smile she flashed him was devastatingly beautiful, and they looked into each other’s eyes seeking to rekindle their feelings.

“Ashley’s mom told me that this place is mine rent-free for as long as I want to live here. Even through all of college, if I go out of town, I’ll have a home to come back to. She told me that no one will tell me who I want to have over or for how long, and she specifically said you were welcome. She likes you a lot,” Kai shared.

“They are a family of angels, how incredible,” Conor said.

“The thing is, I may be an eighteen-year-old adult and all, but I’ve never lived alone before. Being by myself is a bit daunting,” Kai admitted.

“Yeah, I understand. I’ll be around a lot,” Conor said.

“Do you remember we talked about waking up together every day and changing the rules?” Kai asked.

“Hmm, now that you mention it.”

“Well, the rules have certainly changed Conor. Don’t you think?” Kai asked further.

“It seems so.”

“What do you think? We’re both eighteen, do you want to move in with me?”

“It’s funny when I first brought it up months ago, I never thought it was possible, at least until we were out of high school,” Conor mused.

Kai stared at him with the wonder of possibility in her eyes waiting for an answer with total anticipation.

“I doubt it’s something mom and dad want to consider. If I give them no option except to go along, it might work, but,” Conor said as if talking out loud to himself with a coy sideways glance in Kai's direction.

“Conor?”

“As Mick Jagger says, wild horses couldn’t drag me away Kai Adams. Of course, I want to move in with you!” Conor finally said breaking into a wide grin.

Kai got up and wrapped her arms around her man and held him for a full minute. Then she whispered into his ear.

“I love you so much and can’t thank you enough for being here for me,” she paused for a beat and lowered her voice an octave, and said, “You get half a drawer, 6 inches of closet space, and nothing more!”

∞

Conor told his parents the news about the pregnancy and the abusive part Kai’s father played in the decision. He shared how Ashley’s family had taken her in and given her their apartment over their garage for Kai to live in. He hoped they understood that he would be staying with Kai for the time being. She couldn’t be left alone. Both were saddened by the news and horrified by Kai’s father.

Although it was totally against their sensibilities to have their youngest living with a woman while still in high school, they decided to leave it up to Conor. He was eighteen and had acted maturely through the entire pregnancy drama. They weren’t about to say no to him at this point. His mom told him as a condition for their approval that both he and Kai had to have dinner at their house at least three times a week or more.

On the way out the door, his father slipped him a small bottle of Rolaids with a wink and a small laugh.

∞

About an hour later the door opened and Conor walked through it. Kai ran over to him and jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist, and kissed him several times all over his face. It was the first time she’d shown him any outright affection in a week and Conor was bowled over.

“If this is the greeting I get every time I come through the door, I’ll make it a habit to leave and come back every hour!” Conor said amused.

“You are the best boyfriend in the whole world, Conor Walsh,” Kai exclaimed

Still carrying her he walked into the bedroom and together they fell onto the bed in a heap. Not wanting to press things any further, they both lay there smiling and staring into each other’s eyes.

Conor and his girlfriend Kai, both seniors in high school, had convinced their best friends Ashley and Phil to join them for a hike. They weren’t a couple, but Ash and Phil had both grown up in New Paltz and knew each other well. They all met at the Mohonk Preserve trailhead for the Bonticou Crag, an outcropping of white Shawangunk conglomerate rock that makes its cliffs and boulders stand out. Throughout the "Gunks," the Crag has one of the coolest bouldering fields to climb, and at the top offers a magnificent view of the Catskill Mountain range. Mostly, it’s an easy hike that Conor thought would get his crew warmed up. Conor had hiked the Crag trails many times, yet had never gone inside the Crag. That was their ultimate destination today.

Phil had volunteered to bring flashlights for the cave part of the hike. It was a bit disappointing. He had a small flashlight from his Boy Scout days, more a toy than anything. There was also a large, sealed beam spotlight set atop a clunky battery compartment with a separate red light attached to the back of it that blinked every few seconds. It was large and awkward, not ideal for climbing in tight spaces. Phil noticed Conor wasn’t impressed, and showed him two candles and a book of matches, hoping that would make up for it.

With Phil’s sketchy lighting, Conor wasn’t sure about their spelunking adventure. Whether they did it or not, hiking the Crag alone would still be fun. All four set off on the trail to the top of the Crag. Except for the huge spotlight, everything fit into their pockets. Knowing they’d all need two hands for the boulder field, Conor volunteered to carry the larger light.

As bouldering goes, for Conor, it was a pretty easy ascent. For the rest, climbing straight up a jumble of boulders the size of small cars seemed a little daunting. Fortunately, all except Ashley were excellent athletes, which turned out to be a bonus for Phil. He got a chance to play “knight in shining armor,” helping Ash up and over some of the more difficult spots.

Once they got the hang of it, they found pulling themselves up by their arms, and scaling steep boulders exposed to large drops was pretty thrilling. When they reached the top, the view on this clear day was stunning. The Catskill range seemed close enough to reach out and touch.

After resting, Conor led them down the back trail of the Crag toward the cave entrance. The boulder trail leading down had a red painted line every ten feet to mark the trail. When the marks came to the cave, the last one had an arrow pointing down into the dark.

Conor explained that it wasn’t what most people thought of when thinking of caves. You couldn’t walk around like in a cavern. Instead, it was more like someone had tossed a Jenga game into a shoebox and they’d climb through the gaps and openings that were created where the Jenga pieces settled. He said there’d be some tight squeezes, and at the end, they’d pop out into bright sunshine. He asked if anyone was claustrophobic or didn’t want to go, and they all looked eager.

Conor was a bit uneasy with the lighting, still, the spotlight would shine a light on everything. He put it out of his mind. The plan was to have Conor lead the way with the two women following and Phil bringing up the rear.

“I guess you big strong boys are going to protect us, little girls, from the mean cave monsters,” Kai said with a whiny sarcastic edge.

“Not at all,” Conor said laughing. “The monsters are mostly friendly, but a cornered fox or coyote might not be very welcoming.”

Kai wasn’t sure if he was teasing and decided not to take any chances and chose to stay close to Conor anyway.

Conor asked Phil to carry the bright spotlight in the rear so it would shine on the group ahead. He’d use the small Boy Scout light to find the red markers. The candles and matches would remain in Phil’s pocket and hopefully stay there.

The going was tougher than Conor imagined, and the trail markers were hard to see. After about thirty minutes of weaving through tight spaces and crawling over and between boulders, Conor figured they were about halfway.

A few minutes later, all at once they heard a loud thud, the sound of glass breaking, Phil saying “crap,” and the cave going dark. The only light left came from the small Boy Scout light.

“Phil?” Conor asked.

“Yeah, I don’t think there’s that much blood. I bashed my head on what I think was the roof of the cave.”

“…and the light?” Conor, Ashley, and Kai asked in unison.

“Yeah, about that guys, I think it’s out of commission,” Phil replied.

Conor shined the light at Phil’s forehead and saw a red bruise, and fortunately no blood.

“O.K., not good, still not the end of the world either. We still have old Boy Scout light here. Let’s keep moving,” Conor said with false confidence.

Inside, he was freaking out. He hadn’t seen a red marker in a while and had no idea where the trail was. All the boulders ahead seemed to lead to nowhere. He also noticed that the little green Scout light was pretty dim and seemed to be getting dimmer by the minute. Clearly, no one had changed the batteries in a long time.

He chose a path and started moving, and after a few yards was relieved to spot a red marker ahead. When he squeezed up to it, his heart bounced an extra beat. The arrow on the red marker was pointing in the opposite direction!

At first, he was confused, but then he realized it was a mark for someone who started at the other end of the cave. It was pointing in the direction they all had just come from. It meant they had definitely gone past the halfway point. The other opening had to be ahead, and it gave Conor a boost of confidence.

After another minute, he felt someone tugging on his shirt from behind.

“Conor, should I be getting a little worried here?” Kai asked in a whisper. “Your light is barely on, and it’s getting very dark.”

“No problem whatsoever Kai, we can fix that,” Conor replied. “Phil, can you squeeze by Ash and bring the candles and matches up here?”

All four crammed into a circle of sorts. Conor shone what was left of the scout light on Phi’s hands as he handed over a candle. It wasn’t very noticeable, yet there was a draft that drifted through the cave at various points. Conor held the candle while Phil lit the match. When he lit the first one, a slight breeze blew it out. It took three chances and eventually, a candle wick caught fire. After being in the dark, the light from the candle lifted everyone’s spirits.

“Everything will be all right guys; we’ve got to be close to the other side by now,” Conor said, not sure if he was lying or not.

With the candlelight, they inspected the broken spotlight, and it was beyond repair. Phil noticed the switch for the back red light and turned it on. Every three seconds it blinked, casting a red glow throughout the cave. It was kind of eerie, yet no one asked him to turn it off. It didn’t help that right then the boy scout light finally gave out.

With a candle and red light blinking they started off once again. Conor was worried. He hadn’t seen a red arrow for a long time, and his heart skipped a beat with every blink of red. Making matters worse, the candle blew out every few yards.

After another twenty minutes, the candle went out and there were no more matches left. It was pitch black except for a blink of red every three seconds. Ashley started to cry. Phil was as freaked out as she was, and put his arm around her hoping it would calm them both.

Conor leaned close and whispered into Kai’s ear, “There’s no way we’re going to be stuck in here, I promise I’ll get you out.”

She gave his hand a tight squeeze, and her confidence in him gave a jolt of adrenaline. He told everyone to chart a path every time the red light blinked and start moving toward the sound of his voice. Conor held Kai’s hand to keep her close and started telling a story he recalled from Scheherazade’s Arabian Nights. This kept him talking and took their minds off the panic creeping in.

After slow going for another twenty minutes, Conor ended another story about Scheherazade’s escape from impending death and asked Phil if he’d switch off the red light. They sat in darkness for a few seconds.

Conor, still holding Kai’s hand, asked her, “Do you see what I see?”

“You mean that tiny speck of light?” she asked.

“Exactly. That’s not as far as you think. It’s only small because it’s being blocked by the boulders in front of us,” Conor explained.

Looking in the direction of the natural light, he asked, “Phil can you please flick on the red blinker again?”

With the blinking red light, Conor could see a new path, and like an archer eyeing the bullseye he began moving toward it with purpose. Within five minutes, he brought them to a window that looked out into a blue sky. It wasn’t the tunnel exit, still, it looked like Kai or Ashley might be small enough to fit through it.

Conor wrapped his arms around Kai’s waist and lifted her up toward the opening. She stuck her head through it, looked around and Conor lowered her back in. She said she thought it came out at the bottom of the boulder field. She angled her head with her shoulder and easily squeezed out up to her waist. Conor pushed on her bottom, and then the soles of her sneakers to boost her up and out of the cave. They all heard a huge loud whooping and yelling from Kai that made the rest still inside laugh with excitement.

Next came Ashley, who was much smaller than Kai. Conor lifted her up and she crawled out with barely any help whatsoever. Glancing out the hole, Conor saw her hugging Kai with tears of relief and happiness streaming down her face.

Conor saw Phil lit up for a second in red and said, “You should give it a go, you never know, you might fit.”

“There’s no way I’m NOT fitting through that hole Conor!”

Phil wasn’t a huge guy, though he did have pretty broad shoulders. He positioned himself with his head leaning with his ear touching his shoulder, making his head, shoulders, and arms like a spear. Conor lifted him up by the waist and he barely fit scratching his exposed ear pretty badly on the rock as he scraped through. Once there, with his small waist, he was able to lift himself out with his strong arms into the bright sunshine.

That left Conor alone in the cave.

Kai stuck her head into the hole.

“Conor, there’s no freaking way I’m leaving you in this cave. Now get your butt out of there.”

Using Phil’s method, Conor figured he could get his head and shoulders through the hole. As a soccer player, his waist and legs would be the challenge, not the upper body. He knew one thing though, if he got through that far, he’d scrape an inch of skin off if that’s what was needed to make it out.

It took some doing with no one below to lift him up. Phil grabbed his first hand through and pulled with all his might. Conor slowly made it to his waist. Twisting and tilting from side to side, and with Kai and Phil pulling on his arms, Conor finally popped out of the hole like a cork from a shaken bottle of champagne.

Kai kissed him fiercely and was joined by all the spelunkers in a foursome hug. Standing in their tight circle, Ashley looked up at Conor with wet eyes, and speaking for all of them said,

“You are fearless Conor. We’d all still be in there if it weren’t for you, and your calm storytelling was what we needed. I love you for it.” She gave him a hug and kissed his cheek.

Then half laughing and half serious Ash made fists with both hands and began pounding him on the chest.

“If you ever, ever, ever take me into a cave again, any cave, I’ll beat the living crap out of you!”

 

They lay together on the couch catching their breath. Even though the first time isn’t supposed to be great, for Conor it was beyond incredible. Losing his virginity to Kai was something he would never forget. Kai thought Conor was amazing and felt he seemed way more experienced than he had let on.

It wasn’t Kai’s first stint with sex. To get it over with, Kai had lost her virginity to a chubby neighbor during junior year. This was different. He seemed to know just how and where to touch her, and it felt so good she doubted it was Conor’s first time. She could tell he was focused on her desires more than his own, and it blew her away.

Kai wrapped an arm and leg over Conor and laid her head on his chest with her breasts pressing against his side. They lay like that for several minutes in silence. It was one of the best things she loved about Conor, the way he was comfortable with the silence of merely being present.

Finally, propping herself up on an elbow, Kai announced, “I can’t believe that’s what we’ve been missing. We have to do this every day!”

“That was great, and I think it can get even better, and I’m willing to try again and again,” Conor replied with a sarcastic grin and eyes open wide.

“You’re right,” Kai said. “What was I thinking, we’ll need to do it two or three times every day.”

“At least,” Conor agreed with a smile that would sell parking tickets to police officers.

“First thing tomorrow, we get a year’s supply of birth control pills,” Kai added.

∞

The sun streaked in through the crack in the window curtain shining directly into Conor’s eyes. He blinked awake, sat up in bed, and smiled to himself about how great he felt. The night before was definitely not a dream, it actually happened.

He was in unexplored territory. He had a sense that he was supposed to wait a few days before reconnecting after a first date. He couldn’t get over the attraction Kai held over him. He didn’t want her to leave last night, he wanted her with him right now. He didn’t want to wait and got up to call her.

As he reached for the phone to call her, it rang, startling him. He answered it and before he said anything he heard Kai say,

“I’m not sure about the etiquette, and I guess the guy’s supposed to reach out, but I’ve been up for a while and couldn’t wait any longer. I wanted to hear your voice. I hope I’m not messing things up.”

“You’re definitely not!” Conor blurted out in a voice a bit too loud.

“O.K., I wasn’t sure. Last night was, well, up to now, the best night of my life and I wanted you to know. I’ll go now and hopefully, we’ll talk again,” and with that, she abruptly hung up.

Conor stared at the phone, laughed out loud, and dialed her back.

Before she could say hello, Conor said, “I think I’m supposed to wait a day or two after a first date, but I can’t. When the phone rang a few minutes ago, I was reaching for it to call you.”

“Conor, you should know that I’m actually floating. Seriously, I’m levitating about three feet off my bed right now. Houdini has nothing over on me!” Kai said.

He laughed and replied, “Yesterday was wonderful, and not just the ending, everything was great. Talking, not talking, telling each other anything and everything, it’s like we’ve been best friends for years. The ending was more amazing than anything.“

“I want to be with you all the time, and when I’m not, I have this empty feeling inside,” Kai said.

“You too? I thought it was only me, but guys aren’t supposed to say that are they?”

“Conor, one of the things I like about you is you don’t judge others and don’t care what others think of you. Don’t feel you have to be that macho guy with me. Though please feel free to be a manly dude and kick ass on the soccer field.” Kai finished with a smile.

“O.K., I got it.” He paused for a moment then continued, “Kai, the cool thing about last night is that as amazing as it was, I think we’re going to top it over and over again. I really do.”

“All right then, what are you waiting for, get your beautiful ass over here?” she asked.

“Uh, well, I don’t think I told you, I have a part-time job and Saturday is usually a work day,” Conor staggered to admit.

“Really? You’re kidding, right? Damn, I didn’t know.” She said, resigned to the reality that they did have lives apart from each other.

“What is the job and how long will it take for you to get here?” Kai asked.

“It’s kind of a silly job I do for a small security company downtown on Church St. I can be over to your house by 3 PM. Maybe a few minutes later after a pit stop at the drug store.”

“If it’s a condom stop, don’t bother. I’ve been on The Pill for a few weeks. After kissing you in Highland, I was wishing and hoping I’d need them for what happened last night,” Kai said.

“O.K. then, no stopping, straight to your house after work!” Conor replied.

“You’re killing me with this work delay Conor. I’ll be floating on air all afternoon and will need a thorough deflating to bring me back down to earth when you get here. Will you be able to help me with that?”

“Count on it,” Conor snickered. “and make no plans for tomorrow, we’ll be spending the entire day together. I have a plan to elevate you higher than you ever imagined.”

“Oooo, bring it, stud master!”

∞

Conor had been working at Church St. Security off and on since he was fourteen. He met the owner at the pool hall up the street when he beat him badly in eight-ball. Instead of paying off their bet, the owner offered him a job.

The company dealt with fire extinguishers, and Conor’s job was refilling used ones. It involved making sure each canister was still in good shape, filling it with powder, screwing the top on securely, and charging them with CO2 gas. The trick was making sure when the top was attached, it was threaded cleanly, making sure no gas escaped. This last step basically pressurized each extinguisher, making it similar to a small bomb.

Anxious to meet up with Kai, Conor checked the time and was psyched. It was 2:30 and he only had one extinguisher left to fill. He scooped in the powder, and quickly checked the canister’s rivets. He was supposed to carefully brush them removing any debris. In a rush to finish, he used his fingers making a quick swipe, and screwed on the canister’s top. It wasn’t perfectly smooth, but he still got it tightened.

Conor began filling the extinguisher with gas and finished perfectly at 200 PSI. He detached the gas hose and turned to place it back on the rack.

There was a loud whoosh, followed by a ping, pang, pong sound, and the door to the work area blew open. The owner was sitting at his desk about fifteen feet away. When he looked toward the cause of the sound, he thought he was looking into heaven.

The filling room was completely consumed in swirling white. The light powder had dispersed with such pressure that it made a cloud of the entire workroom. A few seconds later, Conor walked out of the cloud into the adjacent room. He was completely covered in white from head to toe, including his long hair that was caked in white and stood on end in all directions.

It was as if Conor was a crazy-looking angel appearing from heaven. Seeing he wasn’t hurt, the owner, who should’ve been furious, started to laugh. It was a deep belly laugh that was infectious and Conor started laughing too.

Apparently, the threads were not clean, and the pressure poured through and blew off the top that ricocheted around the room. Luckily, flying faster than a bullet, the top missed Conor or there would be little laughter. The pressure was strong enough to spread the fine powder everywhere, making a heavenly workroom.

“Should I be worried about these chemicals stuck to every pore of my body?”

“Only if you’re planning to bake a cake Conor. It’s mostly baking soda,” he replied.

The owner shut the door to the room still immersed in a cloud. He told Conor to go home and shower off. He said his other workers would deal with the clean-up on Monday.

∞

Donk, donk, donk on the glass of the slider brought Kai off her bed. She slid it open and said,

“What the?”

“It’s a long story, any chance I could use your shower?”

Kai looked at Conor covered in white and walked outside. “Not a chance, all that…” motioning at his whole body, “…will not take one step in my clean bathroom.”

She found a garden hose and turned it on Conor. He ran into the middle of the backyard shrieking from the freezing cold water while Kai sprayed and chased him with the hose laughing her head off. Eventually, the hose got enough of the powder off him. She had him strip down to his boxers on the back patio before letting him inside.

He told her what happened, and how he was now a full-fledged angel and headed into the bathroom to shower off the rest of the baking soda. A few minutes later, the shower door opened to a fully naked Kai.

“How’d you like to earn your wings big fella?” Kai asked.

Without waiting for an answer, she stepped in with him. They soaped each other all over, learning intimately what the other looked like naked. Kai loved the way Conor kissed her as the water cascaded over them. She dreamt it was a waterfall at some sexy tropical rainforest and it made her feel like a wild animal. They made love in the shower until their skin was waterlogged and wrinkled.

∞

Kai put on a robe and ran upstairs to grab two cans of Coke. When she got back Conor was flipping through a book he found on her bedside table.

“Hey, you’re not supposed to look at that, it was a surprise,” Kai pouted.

“What, or should I say where, did you get it?” Conor asked.

“I read about it in a French magazine at my mom’s flat in Paris. Then we found a copy at the used book stalls along the Seine. My French was a little rusty and my mom’s boyfriend translated it for me. God, was that embarrassing!”

“It’s all in French Kai, and the pictures are like nothing I’ve ever seen. What is it?” Conor asked.

“It’s our guide to amazing lovemaking. It’s called Kama Sutra, and it’s an ancient Hindu text that basically outlines several dozen sex positions. It's more than a “how-to” manual though. It’s a way to have sex be more approachable. Helping us talk openly about it and share what we like and don’t like. Sharing ideas about sex doesn’t have to be uncomfortable or stiff.”

Kai paused and thought about that for a second, and then added with a sexy smile, “Although, we do want it stiff for you!”

∞

Naked, on the bed lying prone side to side with their heads together, they studied the pictures in the book. Neither had ever talked about sex with anyone like this before. Unabashed, they fell right into it as if they’d been partners for years. Kai translated the French, and they commented and laughed about the crazy things they viewed and got turned on by the pictures.

They made love, trying different positions, all afternoon and into the evening, only stopping for more Cokes. The intensity and number of their orgasms were off the charts, and they lost count of how many times they reached it. The sex seemed intoxicating and sensational.

Around ten o’clock, they had taken a break and were lying on their backs on the bed staring up at the ceiling. Conor looked over at Kai and said that they should call it a night.

“Not yet, Conor! Just a little more. I can do this non-stop all night and into the morning. Come on, please?” Kai pleaded.

“That’s just it, the morning will come fast, and I’ll be back for you,” He said as he shook his head with a smile.

“Fall asleep now as you are, and I’ll wake and dress you when I get here. It’ll be pretty early, and I’ll bring coffee,” he added.

Without further discussion, Conor gently tucked Kai, still naked, under the covers and kissed her. By the time he was dressed and ready to leave, she was purring her breaths and was fast asleep. He looked at her sleeping peacefully and said a prayer to the gods for helping them find each other.

 

 

I remember reading somewhere that geese mate for life. The honking is their way of encouraging their partner to stay with them, on a flight path to somewhere.

 

1. September 2, 2009, Concord, MA

I reached down to my desk drawer and pulled out a low-ball glass and a bottle of Lagavulin 16-year single malt. I poured a drink and stared out the window. Sipping the scotch, I couldn’t help but think how absurd my life was, and wondered where it all was heading.

The cool night air seeped into the office through my open window. The sound of geese honking overhead gave the sense that real cold was on the horizon. Their calling is something of a regularity this time of year. Hearing them gave me a sense of nostalgia for better days.

Reaching for the bottle to pour another glass, I bumped the computer mouse, and it relit my hibernating screen. Having only recently joined Facebook, there were several new notifications. I sighed and clicked the icon. Up popped several friend requests from people who all seem to have gone to my high school in New Paltz. I hadn’t spoken to any of them in over 30 years. It had been just as long since I’d even thought about that period of my life.

Scrolling through the list, I accepted one from a guy who was my teammate on the soccer team. He quickly sent a message asking if I still played. I didn’t reply. I accepted another from a girl who was in my AP History class. I chuckled when she sent a long reply detailing everything she’d done in the past three decades. It seemed she still loved history, her own.

Scrolling the invites I noticed one from Ashley, and it grabbed my attention. She was a cheerleader and was best friends with Kai, a girl I dated most of my senior year. I accepted Ashley’s invite, but she didn’t message me.

I didn’t message her either.

Graduating high school for most was an exciting time looking ahead to what the future would bring. For me, it was painful, like shooting whitewater rapids with soaring waves followed by deep waterfall plunges. In the end, my imaginary kayak flipped, leaving me stuck upside down in the water. I slogged out of town that late summer for Ithaca College, and never looked back.

Over the years, a few friends would reach out. A class reunion notice would come and go. That was about it. I completely blocked out thoughts about those years, the people, or the things I did.

I sat savoring the Lagavulin and glanced at the friend requests. Most names I recognized, but none were friends. I leaned back and swirled the scotch as I thought back to the late 1970s. There was no invite from the one person I would have messaged. Silly thinking about it, but Facebook was the reason I thought of her for the first time in decades.

The most brilliant and beautiful woman I ever knew. I thought of her ironic wit, infectious laugh, sexy devil-may-care smile, and spunky, spontaneous, and unquenchable spirit.

I thought of Kai Adams. The one by which all others have been compared.

The one that got away.

 

2. August 29, 1979, Wednesday, Ithaca College, Ithaca, NY (Thirty Years Earlier)

“Hello,” I asked.

The phone line was crackling, making it hard for me to hear. I was in the common room of my freshman dorm at Ithaca College, where the payphone was located. It was crowded with students swarming all around, chatting in groups, and hanging out. The dorm RA had knocked on my door and said there was a long-distance call for me on the pay phone. He said by the sound of the connection, it seemed like it was a pretty far long-distance call.

After a pause, I finally heard a faint voice coming through.

“Conor? It’s me, Kai. Can you hear me?”

I was dumbstruck and didn’t know what to say. I put a hand over my other ear to block out the noise from the crowded common room. I wished I could crawl into a phone booth, but the payphone was just hanging from the wall. I hugged the side of the phone with my face pointing toward and almost touching the wall to get whatever privacy I could.

The sound of Kai’s voice sent shockwaves coursing through me, and my hand was actually trembling holding the phone. She was literally the very last person I thought would be calling me. I was shocked and had trouble putting two words together.

“Kai? Kai, is, is that you? Uh, wow, um, is everything O.K.? Man, how did you find me?”

I last spoke to Kai in June when I bumped into her at a high school graduation party. She had broken up with me a month earlier with no warning, and we hadn’t spoken a word to each other since.

Our chat at the party was brief, breezy, and very painful (for me). She told me she was going to France to spend the summer with her mother before heading off in the Fall to Virginia Tech. I thought I’d never hear from her again.

Yet, out of the blue, she somehow tracks me down at Ithaca, and this phone call from her is beyond unexpected.

“I called your house Conor, and your mom gave me this number at your dorm,” Kai said. “I’ve called a few times and didn’t know it was a hall payphone. No one could find you until today. I’m really glad they did.”

I was pretty freaked out and my emotions were all over the place. When she broke up with me, she was adamant it was over. Now five months later, she’s calling me from what sounds like France. I was still crazy about her, never stopped caring, and thought about her every day.

We were both young at only eighteen, but what we experienced was something people wrote songs about. It was that special. I was incredibly excited to hear her voice, but with the breakup, I wasn't sure how to react.

“I uh, wow, don’t know what to say. It’s um, great to hear your voice. I uh, I, I’ve missed you.”

There was a hesitation and it seemed as if Kai also was unsure what to say next. At least that’s what it sounded like through all the crackling on the line. After a few more seconds she spoke with a husky voice, just above a whisper.

“I’m glad I found you. I know it’s been a while. I’ve been thinking about you.” There was a lengthy pause and then she added, “a lot.”

My eyes started to brim with tears. I was glad I faced the wall so no one could see. The trembling in my hand had moved into my chest and I realized I was breathing hard making it almost impossible to speak.

With a raspy, breathy voice, I told her, “I’ve never stopped thinking about you.”

The line continued to crackle and hiss with another pause. Kai’s voice seemed to shift, and she spoke with a lot more pace.

“Conor, I’m calling from a small village near St. Tropez, in France. I’ve been here most of the summer. It might sound luxurious, but it’s actually been pretty difficult, and some things have happened, actually some bad things, and I need to be around someone I know who really cares.”

“Are you OK? What can I do, Kai,” I asked.

“Yes, I’ll be fine, especially if I can see you. I’m flying into JFK on Friday night. Do you think you can meet me at the airport? We can drive up to New Paltz together and catch up.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The one person who I would’ve walked from Ithaca to New York City to meet at JFK, who I thought was gone forever, wanted to be with me.

With way too much enthusiasm I replied, “Yes, of course I can!”

Before I said anything else, Kai quickly continued, “Great, I’m flying in from Paris on Air France flight #78 and landing at 9:45 PM this Friday. Did you get that? Flight 78 at 9:45 Friday night, O.K.? Thanks, Conor, someone’s coming, I got to go.”

“Yes, I got it, I can’t…” Kai abruptly hung up, “…wait, to, see, you…”

The dial tone droned loudly in my ear. For a full minute, I held the phone there, took several deep breaths, and stared up at the ceiling to clear the water from my eyes. It was hard to wrap my head around what had just happened. I was stunned. Literally.

As casually as possible, I hung up the phone, shoved my hands in my pockets, and walked past the crowd loitering by the payphone in the common room. No one seemed to take notice of my red eyes and distraught appearance.

I went out the back door of the dorm and into the humid afternoon. I needed to clear my head and think. Even though my life with Kai was supposedly over, the effect she had on me was profound. I had been crushed by the breakup and seeing her in school every day leading up to graduation was excruciating. It zapped my interest in relationships in general, even with just making new friends. For the last week, my first at college, I pretty much had stayed to myself.

After trying to put Kai in the rearview mirror, she reaches out months later and wants to see me again. Feeling whiplashed emotionally is an understatement. I really had no idea what she was thinking beyond a ride from the airport to New Paltz, but I had committed myself to find out. After walking aimlessly around campus for an hour, I realized without a car or much cash, I had to figure out how to fulfill the promise I just made to the most important person in my world.

I had to snap out of it and get busy!

 

3. August 31, 1979, Friday Afternoon, On route to JFK (two days later)

I left at noon, giving me plenty of leeway in case I hit traffic, got a flat, or had some other mishap. I was taking no chances of being late to JFK.

Luckily, I was able to borrow a car for the trip from one of my new dorm mates. He lives in a town not far from New Paltz, my hometown. His brother lent him a car to bring his stuff up to campus, and he had to return it in a week anyway. With me driving it back instead, I’m saving him a long return bus trip. Works out for everybody.

It’s quite a junker, a gray 1965 Rambler with rusted fenders, several dents, and a few hubcaps missing. Fortunately, the interior is pretty clean, and most importantly, it runs. Since I’m saving him bus fare, my new friend even threw in a tank of gas.

About thirty miles outside of Ithaca, the reality of actually seeing Kai started to seep in. Through our senior year of high school, we were mad about each other, with an intensity that’s rarely matched. It was something that went way beyond a mere high school romance.

Then Kai abruptly ended things for no reason, without any explanation given. It was totally Cold Turkey. One day we were inseparable soulmates, then bam, the next day we weren’t. For me, nothing changed, except she was gone. It was confounding and painfully devastating.

Approaching the outskirts of Binghamton, I started to think about what she had in mind. Kai had mentioned some trouble and difficulties she had over the summer, but what trouble could you find in St. Tropez? It was the luxury spot of the French Riviera. Still, she seemed sincere, but was I merely being used for a ride home? After all this time, I knew I had to find out. I thought about how I was clearly heading into the unknown when I hit a pothole. As the car jostled, I noticed the needle of the fuel gauge slowly slide from the “F” to the “½” symbol.

It must have been stuck, and if it was now correct, this was not good.

We were in the midst of a nationwide gas shortage. It was all over the news, but without a car, I hadn’t paid much attention. There was gas rationing and long lines of cars queuing up at gas stations. I got an uneasy pinging in my gut.

You could only buy gas if the last digit on your license plate matched the odd or even date on the calendar. Today was August 31, an odd date. I pulled over, jumped out, and sure enough the last digit on the Rambler’s plate was an even number 8.

I was in trouble.

I kicked the rear bumper in frustration and leaned against the back of the car. It was all my own doing. I should have checked more into the gas rationing business and made sure the tank was topped off on the even date before the trip. I was such an idiot.

I had brought twenty dollars for the trip thinking I wouldn’t need gas. Doing a quick calculation, I figured I’d need about ten to fifteen dollars to fill the tank and a few dollars more for tolls. It would be close, but doable.

Getting a gas station to sell me gas was going to be a bigger problem. I’d have to cross that bridge when I came to it. I certainly wasn’t going to turn around now and hopped back into the Rambler and headed east.

It was a gorgeous late summer day without a cloud in the sky. Fields of dried corn stalks flew by mile after mile as I drove, and I drifted back to thinking about Kai. I wondered if she wanted to rekindle things or was it something else. Her mom’s friends, the Toucy’s, who she stayed with on the Riviera, were enormously wealthy. After summering at their chateau, would she be interested in a guy like me? With all these questions, until I knew more, I promised myself to keep things on an even keel. No sense in getting my hopes up to get stomped on again.

Easier said than done.

The road eventually became a four-lane highway. The rambler’s radio was busted with only the steady drone of the Rambler’s engine to keep me company. This along with the sameness of the upstate countryside made it easy to melt into the drive. After going a hundred miles through rural upstate New York, my daydreaming was interrupted when I noticed less than a quarter tank of gas on the fuel gauge. A feeling of panic ebbed its way into my head.

Thankfully, a few miles later an exit appeared along with an advertisement for a truck stop. It occurred to me that a busy truck stop might not check plates very thoroughly. It was worth a shot, and I pulled off the highway to check it out.

There wasn’t a line for gas, so I drove in and pulled up to an available pump. An attendant popped out from behind it and waved me off. I tried to engage him, and he yelled, “wrong plate, keep it moving.”

Slowly I drove around the pumps and parked the Rambler in the back of a diner sitting in the middle of the lot. I sat there for a few minutes and a defeated hollow feeling crept in. I decided I could afford a forty-cent cup of coffee and went into the diner to consider the next steps.

I walked in and took in the scene. It was a classic New York diner setup. There was a counter on one side. In front of it were several round chrome-based stools attached to the floor like mushrooms with caps topped in red vinyl. Opposite sat a number of black vinyl booths along the windows looking out at the highway. Each had a small silver jukebox attached to the end of the table closest to the window. I took a stool at the end of the counter.

The diner was more than half full of travelers, and a strong smell of coffee, burgers, and french fries wafted out of the kitchen located on the other side of the counter. Two stools down from me was a huge guy wearing a Mack Truck cap nursing a soda. A friendly middle-aged server came over. She was wearing the typical diner white one-piece uniform with a light green apron tied around her waist. She wore a small cap that held her hair together that was up in a bun of sorts. I ordered a cup of coffee.

I was in a very glum mood, and when she brought the coffee, she noticed and asked,

“You all right honey?”

I looked up and asked her in a fairly melancholy yet earnest tone,

“Ever come across perfect love?”

When a stranger asks such a question, it’s best to say no and quickly move away. She didn’t. Twice my age, with a pretty face and a large chest, pick-up lines from diners like the Mack Hat guy were probably a regular thing. She could tell right away that wasn’t my intent. She asked me to hold my thoughts, went into the kitchen, and reappeared with a burger for Mack Hat.

She leaned in and asked, “It’s been a long time, but yes, I’ve heard of perfect love. Why do you ask?”

I quickly told her my story about Kai, sharing the intense love affair we had, and how we were made for each other. She topped up my coffee and asked me to wait to tell the rest while she checked on a few other customers.

She came back over to hear more, clearly intrigued. I explained how it was a perfect, forever type love, and how Kai had abruptly ended things for no apparent reason back in the Spring. Then, two days ago, she calls me from the French Riviera and asks if I’d meet her tonight at JFK on her return to the States.

Mack Hat finished his burger and was clearly eavesdropping. He started leaning in a bit closer to not miss how my story ended.

“Are you on your way to JFK right now?” she asked.

“I am,” I answered, “I have no idea what will happen, still, I have to find out. I borrowed an old car, and a while back the fuel gauge broke. I thought I had enough gas to get me there, turns out the tank is almost empty.”

“Thank goodness you had enough left to make it here. There may be a shortage, but we have plenty,” she said.

“Well, there might be plenty, yet I can’t seem to get any,” and I paused to take things in.

Mack Hat loudly cleared his throat, as a cue to butt into our conversation. We both turned our heads in his direction and with a deep voice, he said, “Let me guess, you have an even number plate and today is an odd day for gas, am I right?

He was listening more than I thought, and surprisingly he also had the right answer.

“Exactly, I tried to get gas before coming in here, and the attendant waved me off and wouldn’t allow it. I’m afraid I’m doomed,” I told them.

The server, perhaps thinking about her own lost loves, said, “No way. You have to be at the airport when Kai walks off her plane. You just have to!”

Her energy was infectious yet had little impact on me and I glumly replied, “Without some gas, I don’t see how.”

To my good fortune, she did have an effect on someone else.

Mack Hat looked past me and caught up in her challenge and perhaps her cleavage, told her, “I’m not sure if it’ll work, but I have an idea. Out in my rig, I have an empty jerrycan. If we can somehow fill it a few times, that should be more than enough to get him to the City. What do you think?”

I looked over at him with astonishment. Waves of an emotional rollercoaster shot through me. Not thinking, I jumped off my stool and hugged him. His smile quickly changed to a frown when he noticed I had my arms halfway around him. I realized that this giant burly truck driver, except for maybe his dad, had never ever had a guy hug him. I quickly backed away, apologizing profusely.

He stood up, pointed a giant finger at me with a scowl, and looked around the diner. Realizing no one noticed my hug, he relaxed, sat back down, and said, “It’s O.K., just don’t do it again.”

The server reached into her purse from under the counter and tossed me a set of keys. She said, “There’s a red Corolla out back with even number plates. Drive up to the pumps and fill up the big fella’s jerrycan a few times and you’ll be good to go.”

With that, she smiled, winked at Mack Hat, and headed into the kitchen to get another order.

Mack Hat and I retrieved his jerrycan. When we unlocked the Corolla, he surprised me by squeezing into the passenger side. I didn’t say a thing.

When we reached the gas pump, the attendant saw the jerrycan and came over. He was a short, skinny guy who looked and smelled like he hadn’t taken a bath in a month. He reminded me of someone who is given power that he’d never had before in his life.

With a whiny voice, he said, “What do you think you’re doing? Gas is for cars only.”

“I looked over at him and said, “I have the right numbered plate for today. It doesn’t say I have to put the gas I buy into the car.”

“Sorry pal, I’m in charge here, what I say goes, and…” Just then, Mack Hat peeled himself out of the server’s small car and stood up, towering over the smelly attendant.

He glared at the little guy and with a commanding voice said, “What were you saying?”

“Well, this is irregular, it’s not something that…I, I…” Flustered the attendant looked up at Mack Hat. He was more than twice his size, and it took all the bluster away. He grunted and skulked off to bother someone else.

We quickly filled the Rambler with the jerrycan. It worked perfectly, topping off the Rambler’s tank. Best of all, it only cost nine dollars.

We went back inside, and I thanked the server and handed back her keys. I told her how Mack Hat saved the day and put the attendant in his place. She gazed over at the truck driver with a look meant for a hero. With a sheepish grin, he gave her one of the best “aw shucks” shrugs I’d ever seen. I smiled to myself thinking something else besides their charitable deeds may follow my little gas drama.

I gave the server a hug and kissed her cheek, whispering a thank you in her ear. Her cheeks turned red, and slightly embarrassed she retreated into the kitchen.

There was a check for my coffee, and I pulled a bill out of my pocket and laid it on top. Not waiting for any change, I looked over at Mack Hat. He put up both his hands as if to say, “No hug for me.” We laughed and I thanked him with a strong handshake and walked out to the Rambler. The generosity of these two people bowled me over.

A few hours of driving later, I started to notice the traffic pick up as I got closer to the City. I finally reached the Tappan Zee Bridge that would take me over the Hudson River and into the metro area.

The toll was a dollar. I pulled out the ten-dollar bill left over from the truck stop, but it wasn’t a ten. It was a one-dollar bill. I checked all my pockets, and they were empty. How did I lose ten bucks?

I approached the Tappan Zee toll and it dawned on me what had happened. Thinking I was leaving a dollar for a forty-cent cup of coffee, I mistakenly left a ten-dollar bill. As I paid the toll with my last dollar, I smiled at the thought of the server finding a whopping tip for a cup of coffee. It complicated things making the rest of my trip more of an adventure, though she totally deserved it.

After crossing the bridge, I pulled into a rest stop. I had to figure out how to navigate my way into the airport without having to pay any tolls. I could head into the city and take the surface streets, but that could take too long, and I’d probably get lost. There was no way around it, I had to use the NY State Thruway and the Whitestone Bridge to get to JFK, and both had tolls. The only solution was to blow through the toll booths without paying.

In the glove box, I found a pencil and a piece of paper. I tore it in half, and on each wrote “I.O.U.,” my New Paltz address, and signed it. If I had to go through without paying, at least I’d put my best foot forward.

The Cross Bronx Expressway was jammed as usual, and it took a few hours of stop and go traffic to inch my way around NYC. When I approached the tolls, I rolled slowly through both toll booths, handed over my IOUs, and kept on going. Luckily, no cops were lurking.

 

4. August 31, 1979, Friday Night, JFK Airport

I was standing in the main gate area, off to the side as the passengers deplaned from Kai’s Air France flight. I was nervous, not knowing what she’d be like. After a summer in the south of France with the beautiful people, she might be quite different.

I finally spotted her from across the gate area. Her eyes were roaming the crowd, I assume looking for me. If I hadn’t known her that well, I might not have recognized her. Kai was a brunette with beautifully flowing layers; it was a signature of her look, and it was no more. Instead, her hair was now bleach blonde and in a pixie cut. It was jarring, but in a good way, incredibly sexy, and made her look entirely different. Obviously, that was the idea.

Kai always looked great, and after a summer on the Riviera, she was striking. She glowed with a bronze tan and was wearing a short skirt that showed off her long-toned legs. A tight-fitting flowery top emphasizing her ample chest and trim athletic figure, finished off her look. It all drove home what I’d been missing.

I noticed several eyes on her from other men in the gate area. Looking down at my jeans and the Frank Zappa t-shirt I wore, I thought how foolish I was for not trying to make a better impression. Too late for that now.

I watched her for about a minute. Then under my breath said, “Now or never.”

Without calling out to her, I walked up near where she was standing and stopped several feet away. After a few seconds, she turned in my direction and saw me. I wore a welcoming, friendly, yet not overly enthusiastic expression. The last time I saw her she had broken my heart, and I needed her to show me why I was here. Still, it was difficult not to rush up and throw my arms around her. Kai was absolutely breathtaking.

We locked onto each other’s eyes from that distance. I had a feeling that we were seeing each other for the first time. Without a smile, she seemed to be studying me with a seductive expression of anticipation. I could barely breathe.

She slowly walked over to where I stood, and with her sparkling hazel eyes looked up at me for several seconds. Then threw her arms around me, and with typical Kai sarcasm, whispered into my ear,

“Where have you been Conor Walsh?”

She pulled away a little, looked up into my eyes, and placed her hand around the back of my neck. As passionately as one could imagine, she kissed me with a deep desire, with our tongues embracing and lips caressing, sending hormones flooding my entire body. It seemed to last forever and was incredibly romantic. I never wanted it to end.

When it did, a cheer went up from flight attendants and passengers who were taking in the show. Still embracing each other, we looked over at our cheering section and Kai waved.

“I told a few of them about you and shared the reception I was hoping to get when we landed.” She flashed a coy smile at me, “And I definitely just got it.”

The crowd started to disperse finally. As they passed by, a beautiful flight attendant walked up to us.

“Oh mon dieu, c'était si romantique, mieux qu'on ne l'imaginait."

She then gave me a once over and with a sideways glance at Kai told her, "Et il est magnifique!”

Before going on her way, she added in English with a sexy French accent, “So happy for you both.”

I gave Kai a quizzical look and she said, “Rough translation, ‘how romantic, much better than even we imagined.’ Oh, and she thinks you’re gorgeous.”

With that, she looked up into my eyes, ran her fingers over my cheek, and added, “I do too.”

To say the angels had taken me to heaven was the understatement of all understatements. For the last several months, all I ever dreamed about was what had just happened. Still, I didn’t want to get too carried away and be seen as a pushover. I tried to keep my cool, while Fourth of July finale fireworks were going off inside me.

I did my best to hold a steady gaze of sorts and said, “Your chariot awaits “princesse.”

 

5. September 1, 1979, Saturday, Early Morning on the road to New Paltz

Fortunately, the car was in the loading zone where I left it and hadn’t been towed. I explained to Kai that I didn’t own a car and had to borrow one and had to take what I could get. I told her it certainly wasn’t quite the chariot I would have liked.

“Conor don’t worry about it. For the last few months, I’ve been driven in Porsche’s, Ferrari’s and limos. Riding in a regular American car will actually be nice for a change,” She replied.

Kai spotted the Rambler surrounded by limos and Black Town Cars. Pointing at it she said,

“Well, at least it can’t be any worse than that gray hunk of junk!”

I stopped walking when she said that. After a step, she stopped too, and turned to face me. I tilted my head a bit and nodded up and down with half a smile and half a frown. She looked back at the Rambler, then back at me again, and we both burst out laughing. When we caught our breath, she said with a smile,

“That chariot will do.”

To avoid tolls, I took back roads all through Westchester and into the Hudson Valley. It made the trip twice as long and gave us more of a chance to catch up.

We didn’t talk about “us.” Instead, we fell into a rhythm that only seems to come easily with close friends. I told her I waited tables at Mohonk Mountain House over the summer, and it reminded her of the fun hikes we took there last year. She asked if I had met any hot servers, and I joked that most were homely and over thirty, so no.

We talked about her mom and her summer in France. I was tempted to ask about the difficulties she experienced. Not wanting to darken the amazing vibe we were sharing, I held off. I was astonished at how comfortably we shared things with each other. It was as if the last several months hadn’t happened, and we’d never been apart.

I told her about the trip to the airport and how the trucker and the server helped with the gas rationing. She had no idea about the fuel shortages and was thankful these kind people had come to my rescue. She told me that all summer long in St. Tropez she hadn’t driven once and was chauffeured everywhere. It didn’t even occur to her the difficulty she caused by asking me to pick her up.

“I wanted to see you, that's all I thought about,” she said. “How ridiculously out of touch I must have seemed. No car, gas rationing, and a six-hour drive, all in the creature comforts of this beauty,” she said tapping the dash. “You must have thought I was totally self-absorbed and inconsiderate. I am deeply sorry.”

She reached over and took my hand, inserting her fingers between mine and held it tightly. She told me she was thrilled that I did come for her. Knowing how resourceful I could be, she wasn’t surprised that I managed to find a way.

I smiled and remembered why I cared so much about her. I sensed she felt it too with the looks she kept giving me. We continued chatting away with smart aleck ribbing like best friends who hadn’t seen each other in a while. With every pause in our conversation, I could see her eyes sparkle with delight in the lights that flashed by.

I really didn’t want the car ride to ever end, it was magical.

As we got closer to New Paltz, I asked about her family. She told me her father was away with his new wife on vacation, and only her sister would be at home. She directed me to the house in the Cherry Hill neighborhood of New Paltz. It was after 2 AM when we pulled in.

Still holding hands, with a sly half-smile she said, “Since it’s very late, you better come in and spend the night with me.”

Once inside, we accidentally woke up her sister. She was incredibly happy to see Kai, and with the late hour we all decided to catch up in the morning.

Kai led me into her bedroom, and over acting, seductively said she wanted to get into “something a bit more comfortable.” We both chuckled at the silly cliche. She used the bathroom, and when she reappeared my heart skipped a beat. She was wearing a tight t-shirt cut in half with fully exposed under boob, thong-style panties, and nothing else. She was stunning.

She walked up and passionately kissed me even longer than we had kissed at the airport gate. It took my breath away. She looked me in the eye and said, “Conor, I’m exhausted, is it all right if we get some sleep?”

With a wink and a sexy smile, she added, “We can pick up where we left off in the morning.”

I stripped down to my boxer shorts and laid down beside her on the bed. With our arms wrapped around each other, Kai fell asleep almost at once. I lay there too amped up to sleep thinking about this stunning woman lying beside me.

I inhaled her. Kai has a fragrance all her own that I had missed. Her musky scent blended with a mist of Chanel conjuring up many erotic memories we shared in the past year. I listened to the small breaths she took as she slept, and they were so delicate and feminine. With each breath, I could see her breasts rise and fall. Hardened nipples poked through her half t-shirt that barely covered and stretched across her chest.

I couldn’t help asking myself as I lay there, “Am I in heaven?”

I finally dozed off with her head resting on my shoulder, our legs in tangles like a soft pretzel, and her arm draped across my chest.

 

6. September 1, 1979, Saturday, New Paltz, NY

I woke up wondering if the day before was a dream.

I was alone in bed and glanced around the room for something that reminded me where I was. I noticed a large photo of Kai and her mother on the wall opposite the bed. The picture was of the drawing room in her Mom’s flat in Paris. I had been there, but it was a far-off memory I had locked away.

I sat up in bed as the door opened. Kai came in with the same skimpy outfit she had worn as we fell asleep the night before. She came over and kneeled on the floor next to the bed, leaning on the edge of the mattress with her arms crossed, looking up at me radiant as ever.

“Hey sleepy head,” she joked, “aren’t I the jet-lagged one who should be sleep deprived?”

I slid off the bed onto the floor next to her and placed my hand on her cheek. Slowly I moved my fingers through her hair above her ear gently grasping the back of her neck.

Looking deeply into her eyes, with a soft voice I said, “I’ll never love anyone more than you. Since you’ve been gone, I’ve been…”

Kai reached up and placed her index finger across my lips and held it there to silence me.

“I’ve been in another world, Conor. One that is hard to explain and one that has kept me from you. Let’s not dwell on it and love each other like it’s the first time. My heart is yours and know that it’s always going to be there no matter what.”

Kai pulled me toward her on the floor and she began kissing me. Placing her hand on my thigh, she rubbed up and down from my knee to my hip. Our tongues explored as we massaged our lips, sending sparks firing through my brain. We kissed fiercely for several minutes moving side to side to all parts of our mouths. I could smell more of the muskiness of her body as I moved my lips down her neck and nibbled on her ear lobe.

Kai pulled her t-shirt off exposing her breasts and moved my hand up to her nipples. They were hard and sensitive. I lightly massaged them, and with my lips licked and flicked them with my tongue. I could hear moaning sounds deep inside her chest as I caressed them.

I looked into her eyes with a longing that I hadn’t mustered since we last made love, months before. Kai kissed me hard for a long time. I sat on the edge of the bed, and she pulled off my shorts and stroked what she found there in her hands. She brought her tongue and mouth replacing her hands, caressing, arousing, and flooding my body with endorphins.

Kai then climbed into my lap and with her hands on my shoulders, slid herself on top of me. We locked eyes, linking our souls, with a single tear running down her cheek and a small smile on her face.

She kept her gaze on me, her hands caressing my neck and shoulders as she slowly and gently rocked back and forth. I held her waist and caressed her breasts as a trembling built up inside. We prolonged the buildup of our passion as best as we could to extend the moment as she continued to move her hips at an increased pace.

Our renewed feelings for each other took the sexual ecstasy to a new level of intensity. With our bodies joined, I sensed a quivering climax approaching. Kai reached a peak of pleasure I’d never seen her experience. It rocked her body with a long-lasting, shuddering orgasm that also sent me over the edge. Together we collapsed on the bed.

It was so tender, then powerful, and finally mesmerizing. I had trouble remembering any of our past lovemaking as intense or sensual as what just happened. I was blown away.

Still panting heavily, eyes wide and looking fiercely into me, she asked with an ironic chuckle, “Oh my God, where have you been Conor?”

Calmer, Kai snuggled her head under my chin and wrapped one leg above my waist and her other rested between mine. Our arms found a gentle place to caress and hold each other. The way we fit lying together was natural and perfect. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I swear our hearts were beating in rhythm with each other. We were two people melted into one perfect being. We stayed in bed touching, nuzzling, re-exploring each other. Once recovered, we continued making love in various positions for over an hour.

“Conor, every time you look at me, I see your eyes telling me that I’m the only one. I get squishy inside thinking about it and feel I’m so special.”

“You’re not just special, you’re extraordinary,” I said in a hushed voice.

“Hmmm, I’m not so sure, still I love you for saying it.”

Before Conor could say anything else, Kai announced, “Anyway, I need a shower, I smell like I’ve spent a week flying in coach, sitting across from the bathrooms in the back row of the plane.”

She kissed me on the cheek, got up, and went into her bathroom. I was tempted to join her, but it didn’t seem like an invitation and thought she might want some alone time.

Thirty minutes later she walked into the bedroom with wet hair and quite a different demeanor. Her eyes were reddened, she blinked them multiple times to clear them and was massaging the back of her neck that was in pain from a strong headache.

Looking angry and frustrated, she started rifling through her open suitcase, “God damnit, I can never find anything. I feel like I’ve lived out of this freaking suitcase my whole life!”

She finally pulled a hairbrush out that was hidden between some clothes. Rubbing the back of her neck, she turned to me and said, “And why haven’t you been there for me? No one ever is, not one damn person!”

She stormed back into the bathroom slamming the door behind her. I got up off the bed and stood in the middle of the room, baffled beyond belief. After several minutes she came back in with her hair brushed out and tossed the brush into her suitcase. Ignoring her earlier outburst, she said,

“I’m all jet lagged and need to lie down for a while.”

“Sure, of course.” I paused looking at her for a few more seconds. Then I said, “Kai, last night you asked me where I’ve been. I’ve always been there, and I always will.”

Kai let out a long sigh, her shoulders sagged, and her head drooped a bit. She sat on the edge of the bed and a veil of sadness seemed to come over her. Using a monotone voice she said,

“There were things that happened, bad things, horrible things that I’m ashamed of. Things happened to me that were out of my control.” She paused deep in thought for a few moments, then looked up at me and said, “You should know I’m not worthy of you.”

I looked at her carefully and tried to make sense of what she was saying. It seemed that in the last hour, I was speaking with three people instead of one.

“Whatever happened, it doesn’t matter to me. It’s in the past. I don’t care, Kai,” I told her

“Well it matters to me!” she replied.

She climbed into bed and fell fast asleep.

 

 

7. September 1, 1979, Saturday Afternoon, New Paltz, NY (later that same day)

While I sat in the living room pondering the future, Kai’s fourteen year old sister popped her head in. She was going to make a cup of Earl Grey tea and wondered if I wanted any. I told her I didn’t and thanked her for asking. Starting back toward the kitchen, she hesitated, turned around, and surprised me to no end.

“Conor Walsh, you could’ve had any girl in the whole school. Everyone I knew wanted to get in your pants, but you wanted Kai. You were the best thing that ever happened to her. She was the biggest fool in the world when she broke up with you last Spring and for no reason! I don’t know what’s happening with you two now. I thought you should know whatever it is, I’m all for it,” She said very boldly.

She turned on her heels and headed out to the kitchen.

∞

It was early afternoon when I checked on Kai. She was still sleeping. As I backed out of her room, on a dresser by her bedroom door, I noticed an open notepad. On the page, there was a message underlined in big letters. It caught my eye because it wasn’t there the last time I was in the room. It said,

“Remember Michael’s birth day!”

It seemed odd because I didn’t think any of Kai’s friends were named Michael, certainly no one close enough to remember a birthday. If it were someone she met in France, the name in the note would be Michel. It was strange, still, there were weightier matters to think about.

∞

While Kai slept, I couldn't stop thinking about what lay ahead. There was a big elephant lurking between us, as of yet left unspoken.

Except for a few jet-lagged outbursts, the last twenty-four hours had been sensational. It seemed we were at the beginning stages of rebuilding something beautiful. If I was right, we had to confront a very delicate future. Unless I drastically changed my plans, in three days classes start at Ithaca. Kai starts at Virginia Tech at some point in the coming week as well.

I thought about our long-distance chances. There’s a reason high school romances don’t last. As college freshmen, for the first time, we’re on our own and experience new things every week. Sharing them with a whole group of new friends, makes it easy to eventually grow apart.

Kai and I had traveled through Europe, stayed as a couple in her mom’s flat in Paris, and lived together in an apartment for the last half of our senior year of high school. If there was money on the line, we’d be a good bet to make it. Still, long-distance relationships were tough, even for soulmates. I wished we had more time before going our separate ways.

∞

I heard Kai waking up. As she came out of her room, I noticed she hesitated and briefly glanced down, reading the birthday note about Michael. Her brow wrinkled and she had a pained expression. It reminded me that I wanted to ask her about it. She caught me watching her and she held my gaze for several beats with a wrinkled brow. It was as if something clicked inside of her that didn’t sit well. She walked toward me rubbing the back of her neck and with a blank expression asked if I’d take a walk in the neighborhood.

It was late afternoon, and the longer rays of the late summer sun gave everything a softer golden glow. The Cherry Hill neighborhood was a residential area with numerous houses every few hundred feet. There were many streets that crisscrossed the development that dated back several decades.

We headed out holding hands and after turning onto the next street, Kai took her hand away. Looking down at the street as we walked she asked,

“When are you heading back to Ithaca?

I laughed silently to myself. It didn’t take long for the elephant to rear his fat head. I stopped walking and thought about my answer a bit before speaking.

“Depending on what’s happening here, I’m not sure when I’ll go back. The only thing that matters most now is standing right next to me,” I replied looking into her eyes.

Kai looked up at me. She said, “That’s not an answer Conor, you paid tuition and have to go back. If I hadn’t reached out to you, you’d be there right now.”

“You’re right, I would be. My life was upended five months ago when you gave us up, and your call to me a few days ago breathed life back in. Since picking you up at the airport, am I the only one that feels the pull between us?” I asked.

She didn’t answer, and we walked a few blocks in silence. It was interrupted by a flock of geese that flew overhead, chasing each other, and honking their encouragement for each other to keep up and stay close. I stopped and looked up as their perfect “V” formation moved off toward the horizon, hoping to conjure up a way to keep Kai as close as the geese.

After they disappeared, I looked down at Kai trying to come up with the right words to convince her.

“You’ve always had your head in the clouds thinking about the future and what could be Conor. It’s one of the things I admire most about you,” Kai said. “I’m heading to Virginia Tech in a few days, and we need to be realistic, dreaming we’ll overcome all obstacles doesn’t work.”

“Kai, what happened to us last spring? You have yet to tell me. There must have been something I did for you to end things so abruptly. Tell me and I’ll fix it, I promise I will,” I said.

“I can’t go there with you. I told you that I’ve been in another world, one that sometimes keeps me from you. What we’ve meant to each other and been through is something that’s hard to understand.” Kai said in a flat voice as tears began to slowly stream down her cheeks.

“I don’t know what to say, Is there someone else you want to be with? Michael?” I asked.

I thought I heard her say, “I wish,” under her breath.

“There’s no one else Conor,” she lied. Yet not a lie I’d have been surprised by.

“I can transfer to Virginia next semester, and we can be together, it’s not that hard, we can do this,” Conor pleaded.

“Sure, and give up your spot at one of the best programs in the country? Conor, there’s no film school at Virginia Tech. I won’t let you give up on your dreams,” Kai admonished.

“The only dream I have has you starring in it, Kai”

She stared at me with no sign of emotion, just tears. She was a different, broken person. It was heartbreaking and unnerving.

“In the last 24 hours, we’ve been best friends, passionate lovers, and shared things only soulmates could possibly share. Has it all been an illusion?” Conor asked.

Tears were falling faster, and her eyes were rimmed with red.

“No. The opposite is true. These feelings we have between us are very real and have meant more than you could ever know. I will remember them always,” Kai cried.

“Kai, this is crazy. Why don’t we take the night and think it through? There are ideas we haven’t even thought of yet. You care enough to at least give us that chance, don’t you?” I pleaded.

She looked at me through cold eyes and replied, “All right, but I need to be alone. You’ll be too much of a distraction.”

We had walked to the bottom of Cherry Hill. This is where it meets the middle school property and is close to the road to my parent’s house.

She turned to me and said bluntly, “I’ll reach out tomorrow. Now, you must go.”

 

8. September 3, 1979, Mid-Day Sunday, New Paltz, NY (the next day)

South of town, running fast down Jansen Road, I passed Dubois Road on the left and increased my pace. Running downhill helped, and I was able to stretch out each stride and was making great time. I knew once I passed Blues Nursing Home at the bottom of the hill and got to Rt 208, there was a steep hill as I turned toward town that would cost me a lot of time. I needed to get ahead on the stretch of road I was on.

My mind was racing faster than my legs were taking me. All of the past year’s trials of hardship and glorious moments were wrapped up in this three-mile sprint. I was frantic yet determined. I always hated running for no purpose. I had never before tried to run this fast for three miles, still, I had all the purpose I needed to do it.

∞

Earlier that morning I walked into the kitchen and my Mom almost fainted. She had no idea I was in New Paltz, let alone in the house. I had snuck in pretty late the night before and crashed in the guest room in the basement. I’d walked half the night thinking about Kai and our future.

∞

Running faster, running fiercely, running on fumes as I pushed to keep the pace up the steep hill on Rt 208. As I climbed each stride became shorter, and with my calves on fire, I increased the frequency of each step trying to keep the pace. After cresting the hill, Rt. 208 gave up its degree of difficulty with a long gradual downhill.

I got my wind back after the climb and kicked it into high gear as I sprinted past what I thought was the first mile. My heart was pounding with emotion. I used it as fuel and increased my speed, down the long gradual downhill. I was flying.

∞

I shared with my Mom the magical day with Kai until it wasn’t. How she was madly in love with me, then woke up from a nap and wasn’t. It was as if an alien possessed her. My mom gave me a long hug and told me that the right girl for me will be someone who is thrilled to be with me.

She reminded me that Kai and I had been through a lot and maybe it was too much. My mom always knows what to say. She thought Kai was lovely, yet was hoping I’d go off to college, and forget her. She gave me a hug and left to run some errands.

∞

Running with abandon, running past the apple orchard where Kai and I once made mad, passionate love. It was all the motivation I needed to continue sprinting at this ridiculous pace.

I veered up a trail off of Rt 208 that cut through the orchard and led to the back “tripping fields” of the college. Running off-road softened the steps I was taking. I had found a good rhythm although I was getting winded and wanted to throw up. I ignored it and pushed on even faster, faster, and faster.

∞

The phone rang right as my mom pulled out of the driveway. It was just past noon. I was sure it was Kai.

It wasn’t.

“Conor, this is Kai’s sister. She doesn’t know I’m calling. I thought you should know. Kai just left for the bus station. She’s taking the 12:30 Trailways to Virginia. I’m sorry Conor, you deserve better. She’s insane and a freaking idiot. If you want to see her before she leaves, you may want to head over there.”

∞

Running faster than ever, running on pace, running down past the tennis courts and the college gym. I got a third or fourth wind, I wasn't sure which. Every hundred yards I picked out a tree or a mailbox, imagining them to be the finish line and needing a massive kick to win the race.

∞

I hung up the phone and took a deep breath. My mom had taken the car, I had no cash for a taxi, and my old bike had two flat tires. I was screwed.

I knew the distance to the bus station was a little over three miles, similar to a 5K race. While pacing frantically back and forth, I tried to remember my best 5K time. It was either 20 or 25 minutes, and it was more than ten minutes after twelve. I’d been an athlete my whole life and more than talent, I mostly succeeded on sheer guts and determination. I was going to run, and I was going to make it. I blasted out the front door.

∞

Running, running, running, I passed in front of the Campus School, and I was coming into the home stretch. The last hurdle was the hill on Plattekill Ave past the SUNY Old Main Building. I was close to spent, rounded the corner, and dug deep and with adrenaline coursing through my veins I cruised up it. I took the left on South Oakwood Terrace at a full sprint.

I seemed to be ahead of schedule. As exhilarating as that was, the thought of Kai leaving started to ebb into my mind. What was I going to do when I got to the bus station? Ask her not to go? Get on the bus with her? Drag her back to her house, or mine? I kept running faster and faster.

∞

I was Sebastian Coe kicking to the finish line at the end of the lane where it intersected Main Street. I pulled up to a stop well before the intersection and could see the Trailways Station across the street. There was a bus idling in the parking lot with several people waiting to board. I noticed that Kai wasn’t one of them.

Sucking in as much air as I could, I paced back and forth on the sidewalk to cool down. I checked my watch. It was 12:25. Unbelievably, I ran the three miles in under 15 minutes. I shook my head and thought how crazy one could push themselves when your entire world counted on it. I started thinking about what counted for me and why I’d pushed myself so hard.

For the first time since getting her sister’s call, the crushing magnitude of why I was here began to fully seep in. By skating out of town and escaping without saying goodbye, Kai had decided our future, and I wasn’t part of it.

As this reality sunk in, her rejection overtook me. I leaned over and placed my hands on my knees for support and threw up in dry heaves. I couldn’t stop tears from filling my eyes.

I was still breathing hard, and I violently shook my head to regain my composure and force the tears away. Sweat, tears, and spit sprayed off me in all directions. Using my fingers as a comb I smoothed back my sweat-soaked hair making myself somewhat presentable. I wasn’t going to let her last memory be of me looking like an emotional mess.

I stood across the street watching and saw a cab pull up on Main Street. Kai got out of the back seat and the driver popped the trunk, got out, and went to the back of the car to get her bag.

I quickly sprinted across the street and as the cabbie pulled out her bag, I looked at him and said, “I got it.” With the fierce look I gave him, he didn’t question it and gave me her bag.

I came around the car to where Kai was standing on the sidewalk. Surprised it was me and not the driver, she realized her disappearing act hadn’t gone as planned. With a resigned expression she lowered her eyes, shaking her head slightly from side to side without saying a word. With my heart breaking, I looked for any crack in the decision she was making.

There was none.

I let out a long breath and said nothing, nodding my head in the direction of the bus for her to follow. I walked her bag over and gave it to the bus driver. He wrapped a ticket around the handle and gave me the claim stub before stowing it in the storage area under the bus.

Kai was standing off to the side, with a bus ticket in her hand. I walked up and handed her the baggage claim stub. Our hands touched and she lingered with her fingers grasping mine for a brief moment. She gave me a tight squeeze before pulling away.

The last few passengers were getting on the bus. I wrapped my arms around her neck and shoulders. While holding her tightly, I whispered in her ear, “Two nights ago you asked me, where have you been Conor?” Pulling away, I looked into her eyes one last time, and tapped her heart, mouthing the words, “Right here, always right here.”

She blinked a few times and kept her impassive composure. As we stared at each other, her eyes began to brim with water. Expressionless, she blinked several times to clear them. Without saying a word, Kai turned and walked over to the driver. She gave him her ticket and got on the bus, finding a window seat. After settling in she stared down at me as the bus pulled away. Her face held a blank, stony expression.

The bus disappeared in a trail of exhaust as it went up Main Street, and she was gone for good.

 

9. September 5, 1979, Tuesday, Upstate NY, Trailways Bus To Ithaca, NY (two days later)

I looked out the window as we passed acre after acre of farmland. It was a mish-mosh of different crops, mostly corn stalks yet to be plowed under for the winter. The bus was mostly full, yet I got a window seat.

The longest bus ride I’d ever been on was my eighth-grade class trip to Washington, D.C. That eight-hour trip didn’t seem to be a lengthy ride with all the craziness thirteen year old’s could create. This ride was much different. Noticeably quiet, with most passengers reading or sleeping and a few chatting in hushed tones.

The ride was scheduled for seven hours to Ithaca as it swept through the heart of upstate NY. It stopped at what seemed like every town along the way. It also functioned as a local bus, as people between the towns would flag it down and get on for a ride. I couldn’t see how we’d get to Ithaca in ten hours, let alone seven. I didn’t really care as it was all just a hazy blur.

The outcome of the past few days was crushing. It was hard to fathom really, the trip to JFK, the airport welcome, the drive upstate, the emotionally explosive lovemaking, all of it. How could we be so connected, yet here I am on this bus? I know I wasn’t misreading the signs. I knew she felt as strongly as I did.

When she took her afternoon nap that day, I was planning the next several years of our lives. The last thing I could imagine was for her to wake up and want nothing to do with me. It was so jarring and swift. I can’t see how I’ll ever get over it a second time.

The bus droned on, passing through small town after small town. Soon clouds rolled in. Although it was early afternoon, it got dark and eventually started to rain, fitting perfectly with my miserable mood.

If she told me she thought I’d never make anything of myself, wanted to find someone who was rich, or was in love with someone else, at least I’d know. I’d hate it, but I’d know why she didn’t want to be with me, and I could eventually move on.

Now I’ll never know, but what I do know is that somehow I didn’t measure up. Something was lacking. I had let the best thing in my life slip through my fingers, not once, but twice. The unknowing would linger with me forever, or until I found magic with someone else. Even though it was the furthest thing from my mind, and I doubted it would ever be possible.

The bus finally pulled into the station in Oneonta, halfway to Ithaca. The driver announced we’d be there for forty minutes. For those hungry, he recommended the diner across the street. It was still cloudy, but the rain had stopped. Not wanting to deal with anyone, I got out and took a walk. One of my brothers had gone to SUNY Oneonta, and I had visited him there once. I remembered a section of their Main Street had been turned into a pedestrian-only “Common,” making it a good place for a stroll. I headed in that direction.

At the beginning of the Common area,” was a large bank of payphones. It made me think about the fickle fate of getting Kai’s call last week. If I had missed it, this past weekend would never have happened. I would’ve been several months further along in forgetting her. Would I have been better off? I could easily see the case for it since the rawness of the present was so excruciating.

With that thought rambling through my brain, as if on cue, there was a bright flash and a loud crack of thunder. Instantaneously, the skies opened up with a downpour. I stared up at the sky for several moments as the huge raindrops soaked me thoroughly. I couldn’t think how more fitting it was to be drenched at that moment. As everyone around me ran for cover, I slowly strolled back to the bus ignoring the rain.

As painful as it is, the way she left town put an exclamation point on our time together. That she’d slink out of town and leave without saying a word was one of the hardest things to understand. As I walked through the deluge, I kept running the scene over and over in my head. After my sprint to the bus station, and she realized her plan hadn’t worked, she said absolutely nothing. Not a word. Her indifferent expression was spooky as if she’d been replaced by a robot like in the movie, The Stepford Wives. It was as if I didn’t exist and that was the cruelest twist of all. The downpour saved me from being embarrassed by the tears that mixed in with the rain.

Recalling the look on her face as the bus pulled out of the station, I knew then I was through with her, and I’d never see her again, ever.

An hour after stopping at Oneonta, soaking wet, and sitting on a ridiculously uncomfortable seat, I continued the epic bus ride dozing on and off. In my dreams, trying to unlock the hidden secret of my broken heart, memories of my time with Kai in the last year flashed through my head.

 

It was early summer 1978, and Conor had the day off. He was looking forward to meeting up with his counselor friends in a nearby pub later that night. To kill some time that afternoon, he went to hang out at the staff-only dock located down the lake for counselors to use on their off days, and maybe take a swim.

A dinghy manned by what looked like a bunch of 13 year old’s from the Intermediate Bunk, was sailing out on the lake. No other campers were in view, although all the bunks could be seen staggered up the slope on the far side of the lake.

As Conor walked out on the dock, there was one other person out at the end catching rays. He noticed right away it was Fiona, and goosebumps started running up and down his arms.

Facing out toward the lake, Fiona was wearing a very skimpy bright red string bikini. She was from the posh Chelsea area of West London. Her accent was perfect “RP English,” and not only was she lovely to listen to, but she was a total knockout. Conor approached the end of the dock and looked down at Fiona laying on a chaise lounge.

“Geez Fiona, are you trying to stiffen all the boys in camp? I think those guys out in the sailboat are getting dizzy from all their circling to get a better view,” he said with a wry chuckle.

“Why hello there Conor, what’s good? You know I need to keep a tan; the boys will have to suffer through it. Be a love and hand me the suntan oil, will you?”

“I’m sure binoculars are in full swing throughout every bunk in the camp!” Conor deadpanned as he handed her the oil.

“Have a sit with me for a while,” she said ignoring his jab.

⇔

Just finishing his junior year of high school, Conor needed a summer job. His mom handed him a Camp Lenni Len-A-Pe brochure and said to give it a try. At 17, he hoped they might need help in the kitchen. At most camps he’d still be a camper, yet, Conor displayed a quiet confidence that gave an aura of competence, even though it was mostly just shyness. It’s possible the Camp Director bought into his faux maturity, but more than likely he was desperate. He hired Conor as a counselor overseeing a bunk of 11 ten-year-olds just a week before camp started.

He was by far the youngest counselor; all the rest were college-age and most of them were from England. Maybe it was a British thing but somehow Conor fit right in as part of the gang. He got a glimpse of what it was like to be a full-on adult. He’d go with the off-day crew to the pubs, somehow never carded for being underage, playing darts, drinking pints, arguing politics, and spending time with the women counselors (especially Fiona).

⇔

Conor pulled over the other chaise. Fiona was radiant, and he reminded himself to only look into her eyes, and adjusted his shorts just in case.

After a few minutes of staring out at the water, Fiona turned to Conor and said, “Let me ask you Conor, have you a steady girlfriend?”

“That’s a pretty random question. Why do you ask?”

“Well, here I am practically naked and you’re being quite nonchalant about it all.”

“Fiona, if you must know, I’m trying really hard to think of you only as a big sister, so I’m actually able to speak to you without ejaculating spontaneously in my pants or stumble-mumbling anything I try to say,” he replied.

“Don't bother, you Americans all sound like you’re speaking with a mouth full of marbles! As to your other issue, cold water from the lake may help," she said tongue in cheek.

Keeping his eyes focused above her neck, Conor added, “And to answer your question, although I’ve had my share of adventures, I don’t have a girlfriend right now”

Fiona was tall and lithe with the cutest dimples. She had flowing blonde hair and long, toned legs. Her breasts were large, and firm, and stood up at attention above a slim waist and a bottom that was the perfect size and shape for her amazing body. She'd fit right in on any cover of Vogue or Cosmo.

Besides her looks, what made Fiona special, was she acted like she wasn’t. Spunky, cracking risqué jokes, poking fun, and up for trying anything, Conor had never met anyone like her. He was always taught to treat everyone the same, whether blessed with superior genes or disabilities. He didn't put Fiona on a pedestal and just treated her like everyone else. She loved this about Conor and at 22, took him under her wing.

⇔

"Tell me about the girlfriends you have had?” Fiona asked.

Conor was hoping she would drop it, but he couldn’t think of anything to say that would change the subject.

“Well, to be fair, my adventures have been a bit modest. The longest relationship was with a Norwegian girl I met when I was 7. We were so young those first few summers she didn't bother wearing a bathing suit top. We stayed a couple every summer until we entered puberty when we realized we were better off as friends. Since then, I’ve done quite a bit of making-out, strategic rubbing, and groping of the female anatomy with a handful of girls. None became girlfriends. I guess it won’t matter to tell you; I haven't had sex with anyone as of yet.”

There was a pause as Fiona considered how to respond to Conor's admission.

“Your Norwegian sounds cute, but she doesn’t count. Still, since then, it sounds like you’ve had the opportunity to take things further. Was there something missing?”

Conor paused and looked over at Fiona. Making sure she followed his gaze; he vividly moved his eyes over her body, slowing as he exaggerated his view of the sexually enhanced parts of her anatomy.

“Believe me, Fiona, there's no lack of female interest on my part,” Conor told her with a wolfish grin.

He waited for a few beats in thought, looking deeply into Fiona's eyes.

“I guess I just want to feel something that’s meaningful,” he added with a more serious tone.

Connor looked away and said, “Pretty lame, huh?”

Fiona reached over and placed her hand on his arm to get his attention, and she held Conor’s gaze, looking into his eyes for what seemed like an eternity. There was a glow about her that wasn’t there a few moments earlier.

“If I were five years younger, I wouldn’t let anyone near you! I don’t think you know how beautiful you actually are. Your genuine honesty is downright charming, you’re incredibly fit and you have a dazzling smile.”

Conor’s face turned several shades of red.

“I want you to listen very carefully. I’m going to share something that will give you superpowers with women, all right?" she added.

Fiona got up and sat next to Conor on his chaise lounge and leaned in towards him. Her breasts brushed against his arm just about driving him crazy with desire. He looked into Fiona's eyes and started to lean in toward her, lusting for a kiss, but she placed her hand on his chest. She closed and then slowly opened her eyes.

"It would be so easy to let down my guard and devour you. I'm sure I'd love it, my guess is you wouldn't mind either, but I won't. You see Conor when you look like me, it's hard to make friends. The girls are afraid I'll steal their men, and guys aren't interested in me, just my body. I really like that you treat me differently. I love talking and hanging out with you too much. If we were to take things further, the rest of the summer might be weird and I'd lose a good friend."

Fiona had such a serious look, he started thinking with the head on his shoulders instead of his other one. It became clear that he meant more to her as a friend than a lover. Also, what was he thinking? Just the three words, "Fiona, Conor, and lover" in the same sentence were beyond ridiculous. Besides, he liked the idea of the hottest woman around being a good friend. He flashed her a calming smile so she knew he understood her.

"You were talking about important superpowers?" Conor asked to move things back to the friend zone.

Fiona squeezed his forearm and flashed a knowing smile.

“Yes, it may sound perfectly simple, but if you want a girl to fall for you, the most important thing to remember is to really listen to her. Listening is the key, do you understand?” she asked.

“That does sound maybe a bit too simple,” He replied

“There’s more to it than you think. You need to listen to her whole being. What she says is very real to her and shouldn’t be refuted or denied, especially with eye rolls, sideways glances, or sighing. You may be tempted to share an alternative idea or provide a solution to something she’s sharing, but don’t! Just let her speak and genuinely listen to her.”

“If I wanted to have you fall for me, I wouldn’t question a thing, whether I was supposed to stay mute or not,” Conor said with a smirk.

“Don’t be a wise ass Conor, if you were ten years older, I’d already be yours,” Fiona said winking seductively at him.

She continued, “I’m not saying to stay mute. When you do speak, ask her to clarify or elaborate. Say things like, ‘how intriguing, tell me more,’ or ‘I’m sorry to hear, how does it affect you?’ It'll amaze her that you’re interested to learn more, and you'll stand out in her eyes. Does this make sense?”

He listened thoughtfully. Being the youngest of a family of five children, he spent years listening to his siblings who were bigger, and older, and thought they were wiser. Listening was already engrained in his make-up, but he hadn’t thought about it in terms of the opposite sex.

“It does, I like to listen anyway, but this will help me get girls?” Conor asked.

“I assure you most guys don’t listen at all. I have a lot of experience here. They dictate the conversation, dominate activities, and direct the flow of whatever is to happen. You want to get a great girlfriend, don’t be that guy,” Fiona advised.

Conor nodded his head and thought about guys he knew that acted like that. They usually were the ones that talked a big game but rarely had any dates or girlfriends.

“Alright, Fiona, I won’t. The problem is that to wow a girl by listening, they have to want to talk to me in the first place! I can’t seem to get them to notice me, and I’m terrible at come-on lines.”

Fiona laughed and said, “ Conor, as you may imagine, I’ve heard every line there is, and you know what? They're all ridiculous and a waste of time.”

“How intriguing, tell me more,” Conor dramatically mimicked his newfound advice.

“Hilarious Conor, really funny,” Fiona said with a sarcastic smile and a shake of her head.

She continued, “There are two things I want to learn from a guy who’s interested. Is he confident, and will he be there for me to lean on, so when I crash, there’ll be a soft, secure place to land? Like falling into a bed of feathers.”

“Hmm, kind of the flag pole to your flag,” he added.

“Exactly, you’ve got it.”

“All right, but how would I show that to someone I just met?” Conor asked.

“You just walk up and tell them. Conor, what attracts me is a confident handsome guy who knows what he wants but whose ego doesn’t make him think he deserves it. He’s authentic and tells me straight up that he finds me amazing and doesn’t try some gimmick or act like someone he isn’t. I’ve seen you with our mates, and this is how you are naturally. You already have this superpower,” Fiona said.

“If you say so, but when I see a girl I like, I get tongue-tied and nervous. Usually, it keeps me from even saying hello,” Conor admitted.

“Believe in yourself Conor, you have the inner confidence, rely on it. Not everyone is spontaneous or funny, but you met all of us with a sense of fun, right? It’s not life and death to talk to someone you’re interested in. Go into it with a smile and a devil-may-care attitude. It either will or won’t happen and if it doesn’t, then she’s not someone to worry about.”

“Yeah, that’s easy to say Fiona when you look like this!” he said while waving his arms wide apart from her head to her toes.

She giggled, took a deep breath, and in a serious tone looked Conor directly in the eye and said,

“Let me share something with you. At 17 you have more going for you than all of the guys in our group combined. All you need to do is believe it. You said a few minutes ago that you’re more interested in feeling something than just shagging someone. Any idea how rare that is?"

Conor couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Listen, you’re insanely fit, with a smile that lights up your whole face. All you need to do is confidently walk up and tell a woman you want to get to know her better, and she’ll start to melt between the legs. I’m serious. I’m getting hot just thinking about it,” she added.

Conor was speechless. The most beautiful woman he’d ever known was telling him he was a catch and she meant it. He gave her a wan smile and they both leaned back into their chaise lounges to soak in the moment.

Bringing things back to earth, Conor looked over at Fiona. With an exaggerated smile asked slyly, “So I'm actually really feeling something here Fiona, it must be shag time?”

He quickly snort-laughed, and they both cracked up.

After a few minutes, Fiona finally said, “Alright enough, next time we'll cover how to make a woman squirm, so you'll be ready for what comes next. I promise I’ll wear a few more bits to cover myself for that, but for now, fancy a swim?” With that, she got up and dove into the lake.

Conor stayed put and didn’t follow her in right away. He needed a few minutes for things to calm down below the waist.