February 8, 1979, Thursday, New Paltz

“Conor, I’m late.”

“Late for what, we’re on time,” Conor said to her as they walked into school.

Kai grabbed his hand and led him into the janitor’s closet off the hallway entrance and closed the door behind them. She had a worried look and Conor was totally confused why they were among the brooms and mop buckets.

“I’m never late, and it’s three days past.”

Conor finally caught up to her.

“It’s impossible Kai, you’re on the pill. I looked it up back in September, it’s 99.5% effective. Besides, it’s worked every month since, and we’ve had sex two to three times a day. It’ll be all right.”

Conor hugged her tightly as tears started to slide down her cheeks.

“Conor, I’m never late.”

“You’ve taken it every day, right? Give it another day and everything will be fine.”

“We’ve made love more than a hundred times. Conor, maybe we’ve reached the half percent!?” Kai hissed.

Conor could tell right away that Kai was freaked out, and it killed him to see her this way.

“Kai let’s go and buy a test at the drugstore. We can drive to Kingston where no one knows us. I’ll go into the store and buy it. You can stay in the car; it’ll be all right,” Conor calmly suggested.

“I’m scared,” Kai said as a new wave of tears cascaded down her face.

“I may have forgotten to take the pill once or twice, but like the instructions said, I always took an extra one when I did forget the very next day,” she admitted.

Conor stood in front of her with a hand on each shoulder, hunched down to her height, and looked straight into her eyes.

“Kai Adams, stop worrying about what you did or didn’t do, there’s no one to blame. We’re in this together as always.”

He reached up and wiped away her tears. “Now let’s get out of this closet and find out. I’ll tell the office that you’re not feeling well and I’m taking you home. We’ll drive to Kingston, get a test, and find out. O.K.?”

Kai nodded her head, took a deep breath, and they walked out.

∞

“Oh my God, what are we going to do?” Kai asked as she showed Conor the positive indicator. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

Conor stopped pacing in front of her bed, let out a long slow breath, and stared at his feet.

“Nothing has to be done this minute, or even today,” Conor said with as much confidence as he could muster. “We need to let the shock wear off, and then figure out what to do. Right?”

Kai didn’t respond and she wrapped her arms around Conor’s waist. Tears were streaming down her face and dripping onto Conor’s shirt. She wasn’t sobbing, though she did look like her world was about to end.

“Look, we’re strong enough to deal with this Kai. You may have it growing inside of you, but it wouldn’t be growing if it weren’t for me. You are not alone. We did this together and we’ll face this together, you and me. Do you understand?” Conor asked.

Kai nodded and rested her head on Conor’s shoulder.

“Don’t tell anyone, for now,” Kai whispered in his ear.

It was late in the afternoon and getting dark. Conor needed some alone time to think things through. He told Kai that he would be at his house and if she wanted him to come back, talk, or anything to call him. Either way, he said he would call her later or stop by, and if she didn’t want to be alone, he’d take her to his house for the night.

∞

Conor glanced over at the alarm clock on his bedside table, it was well after midnight. He got up and went into the bathroom to splash cold water on his face. As he walked back to his room, a door opened a crack, and his mom poked her head out into the hall. After seeing her son with an air of permanent bliss for several months, the worried look she saw was striking. She reached out with a look of concern and saw his eyes brimming with water. She squeezed his arm and nodded toward the kitchen.

Knowing he needed time to collect his thoughts, she didn’t ask him anything while she made them each a cup of herbal tea. They sat at the kitchen table, each with one arm stretched out to the other holding hands, and quietly sipped from their cups.

His mother had fallen in love with his dad when she was Conor’s age. They wanted to get married right away, unfortunately, she was Irish Protestant, and he was Irish Catholic. Conor’s grandparents refused to allow her to marry what they considered a lowly, poor Catholic boy. In the late 1940s, religion mattered greatly, especially for those of Irish heritage.

Their love was very deep, and they decided to elope against her parent’s wishes. For the next ten years, Conor’s grandparents refused to allow her dad in their house and had nothing to do with any of them. It was beyond painful, eventually five grandkids later, they slowly acquiesced. Having lived through that difficult challenge as a young woman, his mom fully grasped how difficult it could be for a young couple, and she knew what Kai and Conor meant to each other.

“It’s difficult to know where to begin, and it’s something we haven’t really talked much about,” Conor said.

“As difficult as it might be, there’s a good chance that it’s something I’m not wholly unfamiliar with,” she replied.

“I doubt it,” Conor said.

Shifting gears, he asked, “When you and dad fell for each other, what was it like? Once you knew he was the one, what did it feel like?”

She took a sip of tea and thought about what her youngest was asking. By the time Conor was old enough to notice such things, her relationship with his dad had greatly matured. Her husband was her soulmate, still, showing how they felt about each other after almost thirty years wasn’t that obvious.

“I’ve told you how we met at a summer camp. I was your age and worked as a kitchen helper. Dad had graduated from college and was in charge of camp athletics. We fell for each other right away, and like you and Kai, he was my first, and as it turned out, only love. It was magical Conor. I had never felt that way about anyone, and it felt like I was floating on a cloud that whole summer. I’m quite sure he was too.”

“How did you know, how did you show it to each other?”

“Conor, people were less forward in those days. I could tell by how he moved and how he looked into my eyes that he loved me. We smooched behind the dining hall a few times and eventually told each other how we felt. It was wonderful.”

“It sounds like it,” Conor said. He was having a hard time getting to the point, “Things were different then.”

“God yes, there was no Summer of Love, no women’s lib, no burning bras back then. Most women didn’t work, they took care of the family. When I earned my master’s degree, I was the only woman in my class,” she recalled.

“With Kai, it feels the same way you did, like floating and nothing else seems to matter.”

“Yet, something seems to have happened?” his mom implied.

“Mom, all those things you mentioned have happened, and sex is something that happens all the time. It’s beyond normal. In school, if you’re active socially, you’ve probably had sex with someone, even though I never had when I met Kai.”

“As a high school librarian Conor, I’m pretty aware,” she said.

“The thing is, both Kai and I weren’t like that. It’s difficult to share this with you,” Conor said with a face red with shame.

His mom squeezed his hand and with a small caring smile, conveyed her understanding. Conor took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

“With Kai, she and I, uh, sex is not sex, it’s making love. I wouldn’t do it otherwise, and she was the first and only one. It’s how we show how deeply we feel, and the way we feel is beyond intense. It’s hard to describe to you, we love each other so much that we’d make love all day if we could,” Conor admitted.

Knowing about teen sex in her high school was one thing, yet hearing her youngest describe his own sexual experiences was something else. Her heart was beating fast, and she felt embarrassed to be talking about it. She had a feeling where this was headed, and for him to be sharing this, knew he needed a caring mom, not a “how could you” mom. That might come later, not right now. She swallowed the obvious questions, and gave a sincere concerned look, letting the silence fill the space.

“The reason you haven’t seen much of me lately is that at Kai’s house, her father gave her what amounts to an apartment in the basement. It has its own bathroom and a door to the backyard. He treats her as a tenant who pays no rent. She can have any visitor she wants and can come and go as she pleases. He barely talks to her. I’ve only met him once.”

His mom got up and poured more hot water into each of their cups. She sat down, dunked her used tea bag in the hot water, and looked at Conor to continue.

“Mom, I know we’re only in high school, yet for the last six months we’ve been living like we’re adults. We talk about life, we read to each other, do homework, and share how we feel about all sorts of things. We both have said how we feel is like a lifetime type of love. She’s my best friend and soul mate. It’s like we were meant to find each other somehow.”

“O.K., then why are we having tea at one in the morning?”

Conor looked away, blinking back the water rimming his eyes again. He knew by sharing with his mom he had to face things head-on. It scared him to no end.

“From the very first time we decided to have sex, Kai had birth control pills. We researched and found that there was a half percent chance of a pregnancy and felt confident we were covered. We were wrong. Kai is pregnant.”

His mom swallowed hard. The way he conveyed the story, she sensed this is where it would end, and still held out hope it was something else. Having had five children, she was uniquely qualified to discuss this, but the world had changed. Back when she was in high school, there was no decision to be made. You had the baby or found a back-room procedure, usually conducted by a midwife or worse. Few doctors would risk their license on something that taboo.

It had only been five years since the Supreme Court decision making abortion legal in the first three months of pregnancy. Although it gave women the right to decide what was right for their bodies, it morally still struck a very raw nerve. Most women, 15% more than men, believe that life begins at conception. Catholics, like her and Conor, had been taught by the Church that abortion is murdering unborn children.

Still, in the most recent 1979 Harris Poll, 60% of Americans were pro-choice, and 80% think abortion is fine in case of rape, the mother’s health, or baby defects. Before the national law, most states had strict abortion laws on their books, and today it’s legal throughout the land.

It was difficult for Kai and Conor to consider any of it, as they loved each other unconditionally. This made any thought of a pregnancy that came from their lovemaking, sacrosanct. Or at least something that couldn’t be dissolved easily.

She reached over and held Conor’s hand and thought about what to say.

“What are we going to do mom?”

“Well, whatever you do, it’s best to discuss it together. Lay out the practical and the moral issues side by side and decide what is most important,” his mom said.

“What are they?”

“Conor, you know what they are, you tell me,” she said.

He took a deep breath as he thought about what she asked.

“All right, practically speaking, both Kai and I are only starting out. A baby would drastically change what that will look like. Most people our age aren’t having kids, and raising a child will end a social life,” Conor said.

“Not sure that’s where I’d start, still you’re probably right.”

“Of course, sorry, college and careers come first, they’d be affected and that’s way more important, especially for Kai. Even if they allow women with babies in the dorms, it would be tough.”

“I think you’re missing one of the biggest practical issues, and having done it five times, it’s one not to overlook,” his mom said.

“Yeah, duh. Kai would have to physically have the baby, and nine months from now would be sometime in, let’s see, July, August, September. Right, she’d have it in September, meaning that she’d miss the fall semester. Hell, she’d probably miss the spring too. This would set her back a full year,” Conor figured.

“Conor, do you think you’d start school in the fall with all this happening?”

“Wow, I didn’t think of that.”

“And what about you two? Would you have your child start their life without being their father?” his mom asked.

“What do you mean? I’d be the father.”

“Not officially unless you and Kai –“

“- were married!” Conor interrupted. “Oh my God, how did I overlook that? This is getting overwhelming.”

“Well, if that was the path taken, you can be sure your father and I will be there every step of the way. You and Kai will not be alone,” his mom assured him. “There may be other areas to consider. How about the moral issues?”

Conor looked into his mom’s eyes and sat quietly thinking about her question. It was a very solemn moment between them.

“This is a bit clearer, and there really is only one. The agony of deciding to end one life before it’s started. Unless there are complications, what Kai and I have begun inside of her will grow into a living person. Is it right to squash that possibility?” Conor agonized.

“I think you’ve laid it out pretty well. I would add that some people say a fertilized egg has no idea it is being aborted since at that early stage it hasn’t developed enough to know,” Conor’s mom said.

“Yes, I hear that, though I wonder if that’s merely an excuse.”

“I’m not advocating anything Conor, I only want to be sure you have all the cards on the table,” his mom added. “Beyond abortion, Kai could deliver the baby and put it up for adoption. Although I doubt it would work in our family, sometimes an older married sibling can step in to raise the baby. These are your options”

“This is going to get very sticky isn’t it?”

“What’s getting sticky, and what are you two doing up after one in the morning?” Conor’s dad asked as he walked in the kitchen.

What Conor didn’t know was that his parents both woke up when he splashed water on his face. Having raised five kids, his dad knew that if there was something to get off your chest, his wife was the one to go. His dad had heard them talking. It wasn’t loud enough for him to hear what it was about. He knew his wife would let him know soon enough.

Both Conor and his mom looked over at dad, and neither said a thing.

“Whatever it is, it will still be sticky in the morning, and a better-rested mind will be able to tackle it. Off to bed with you two,” Conor’s dad told them and then ushered them back toward the bedrooms.

 

February 8, 1979, Thursday, New Paltz

Earlier that night, Kai had cried her eyes out with the news, mostly because she was on her own. Conor had called to check on her, and he was sweet about it, still, he didn’t have a baby growing inside of him. This was one night when she missed her mom more than any other. She wished she could call her, but it was too late in Paris and Kai only had her work phone number.

She called her friend Kiki on the party line, and after a few pleasantries, Kai broke out in tears.

“I’m pregnant Kiki, and I’m scared,” Kai cried.

“What, no way! How could that be, you’re on the pill?”

“It’s not a hundred percent effective even though it says that on the package. I guess we’ve done it too many times and the odds caught up with us,” Kai replied.

“That doesn’t sound right somehow.”

“It’s also possible that I forgot to take it once or twice,” Kai admitted.

“It doesn’t matter how, I assume you took a pregnancy test, you’re sure?”

“There’s no doubt Kiki, I’m pregnant”

“Have you told Kate?”

“I can’t face her right now; she’ll be all over me. She’ll blame Conor and want to shoot someone,” Kai said.

“Yeah, you’re right, you’ll need to let her know sooner than later,” Kiki advised. “What are you going to do? Have you thought about having it?” Kiki asked.

“That’s all I’ve thought about. Conor and I made love every day to show each other how intense our love was. A baby coming from that would be beyond special.”

“Do you think Conor would marry you?”

“It’s only been six months, but I know he would. Even if I weren’t pregnant, I think we’d marry at some point,” Kai said.

“Have you thought it all the way through? A baby at eighteen is going to be different. Most of us won’t even consider it for another five to ten years,” Kiki said.

“No doubt it’s not ideal, the tiny egg inside of me will be a little person in eight months Kiki, and it’ll be Conor’s too. I’ll have to deal with it.”

As the thought of having a baby so young sunk in, Kai began to cry into the phone.

“Kai, it’ll be O.K.”

“I can’t believe this has happened Kiki,” Kai cried out to her.

“Listen, you may not want to talk about it, but there is another way, and it’s totally legal. If you go in that direction, you can still have your life and still have Conor too,” Kiki offered.

This thought brought even more tears, and Kiki said nothing while Kai cried herself out.

∞

The next morning after calling to let Kai know he’d be over to see her soon, Conor called in sick to school. He sat on the sofa in the living room, and it brought up memories of their first night together. He thought about how far they’d come since then and how much she meant to him. If you were to ask him a week ago, considering parenthood was the farthest thing from his mind.

With all the news articles he read after the Supreme Court decision, he always sided with the notion that abortion was wrong. In one of those articles, it said that a fertilized egg would grow into a perfectly healthy person ninety-seven percent of the time. He kept thinking about how messed up it was for he or Kai to have to decide who should live or not.

No longer a theoretical, he was confronted with the personal reality of how a newborn would affect his and Kai’s life. The torture of deciding to end one life before it started, or immeasurably alter two lives starting out in adulthood was beyond compare – especially since he loved the mother so deeply. For Conor, it was agony to have to make that choice.

When he thought of Kai, he thought how selfish it would be for him to ask her to have the baby. Although he would be there every step of the way, it would still fall on her to have the kid grow inside of her. She’d have to deliver it, and then breastfeed the baby for months, and nurture them for years.

As much as he felt strongly on moral grounds that a person starts from conception, he understood the science where they don’t develop enough to survive until about five months. It was an incredibly hard situation. One decision he did make was an easy one. He and Kai would discuss it, and in the end, he’d leave it up to her. It was her body, and she would need to decide, and he’d support whatever she chose to do.

His mother took the day off too and sat down next to her son on the sofa.

“Kai must be beside herself without her mother here. Why don’t you ask her to come over for dinner tonight?” his mom asked.

∞

Kai was freaked out at the thought of speaking openly about her pregnancy with Conor’s parents. Yet here she was walking in their door. Conor assured her that they’d make no judgments and merely were there to listen and help.

Over Ziti with meatballs, Conor’s dad said, “ This is new ground for all of us, and no one has all the answers.”

“ Kai, we both think you’re a wonderful young woman with a big heart, and we’re glad that you and Conor care so deeply about each other,” his mom added.

His dad continued, “Keep in mind, that although you have a difficult decision to make, the sun will rise again tomorrow and those who love you most will be by your side.”

“We will support whatever path you choose in pretty much a divine way,” his mom added.

Kai was relieved and it seemed a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She held Conor’s hand under the table and gave him a squeeze to let him know she felt better. She asked his mom questions about when she had her first baby, and what it was like to be a new mother.

Conor’s parents glanced at each other with joyful eyes, when hearing Kai ask what it would be like to have the baby. They knew how difficult it would be since they were such a young couple, yet as idealistic baby boomer parents, neither liked the idea of abortion.

“Morally the choice to have a baby or not is a tough one. If this had happened 10 years ago, there wouldn’t be much of a choice for either of you, his dad said.

“That’s right, you’d have had the baby and more than likely gotten married. Certainly, your lives would have been quite different, maybe in a good or great way, yet still different,” his mom said.

Being able to listen and discuss it at all helped Kai enormously. She still hadn’t gotten through to her mom and had no one to talk to besides Conor and Kiki. Before they ended the discussion, Conor’s mom said something prosaic and profound.

“I will tell you one thing for certain. Whatever direction you take, ending the pregnancy will be just as difficult as starting a family while barely out of High School. Either decision will be something that neither of you will never forget.”

 

February 11, 1979, Sunday, New Paltz

“Kate, it’s Kai, I need to tell you something”

Kate had been best friends with Kai since they shared a biology class sophomore year. Kate possessed a tough exterior but had a big heart and cared deeply about the things that mattered most, her friends. She had a strong protective streak, and always looked out for Kai giving her someone to lean on when things didn't go s planned.

“Well, it’s about time, I thought you were mad at me or something, what’s up?”

“Gosh no, I could never be angry with you Kate, ever.”

“I know Kai, I’ll be there for you always.”

“Well, that’s why I’ve been a bit quiet the last few days. Something’s come up and I didn’t want to get you mad about it,” Kai said. “I’m pregnant.”

“What! I’ll freaking kill him. How could Conor do this to you? That testosterone-fueled animal. I will squash him like a bug. He’s a dead man,” Kate fumed.

“Kate, no. I love Conor. If anything, I’m to blame. My therapist thinks I’m a sex fiend and she’s not wrong, I initiate sex with him pretty much every time,” Kai said. “Please calm down.”

“Hmmm, maybe Kiki is rubbing off on you. Still, I’m sure he enjoys every bit of it, Kai, what guy wouldn’t? Just look at you! Still, you wouldn’t be in this fix if it weren’t for him.”

“Kate we’re in it together, besides, I’m not sure it’s as much of a fix as you think. I love him and I’ll love the baby we have as much or even more.”

“Now I know you’re insane. Kai, you’re still in high school, you have your whole life ahead of you. Having a baby now will derail your brilliant future. A single parent with a dead-beat dad is no way to start out in life,” Kate said. “I am totally going to skin him alive!”

“Kate stop. I’m serious about having the baby, and you couldn’t be more wrong about Conor. If we go forward and have it, of course, he’ll marry me,” Kai cried.

“O.K., O.K., I’m sorry Kai. At least it’s good to hear he’ll make an honest woman of you,” Kate said with less venom. “I hate to see you in this situation.”

“Look, no decisions have been made. I’m beginning to understand what’s at stake and having it or ending it with an abortion are both still up in the air,” Kai said.

“All right. Whatever you choose I’m on your side, always. What about your dad, you’re not going to tell him are you?” Kate asked.

“Haven’t put much thought to it, still…” Kai hesitated to finish

“You know what I think of that,” Kate said without needing to finish to get her point across.

∞

Kai eventually got a hold of her mom in Paris, and they had a long cry over the phone. It was a difficult position for her mom, being on the other side of the Atlantic. She offered to fly over, and Kai would have loved it but asked her to stay in Paris. With the nasty divorce, her presence might cause more trouble than help if her dad found out.

Her mom had Kai when she was not much older than Kai was now. Back in the early 1960s, it wasn’t unusual for a girl to get married and have kids right after high school. Sure, twenty years later things were a bit different, but still, marrying the right guy was the key. Her mom married the wrong guy, and without really knowing Conor, it was hard to offer any advice. If he were anything like Kai’s dad, she’d tell Kai to head to Planned Parenthood at once.

As it was, all she could do was remind Kai that she had options, that she herself didn’t have. It made sense to consider them fully. If Conor were the one, after college they could still get married and have a whole houseful of kids. Throughout their call, Kai told her mom several times how much she loved Conor. It was hard for Kai’s mom to really grasp what that meant, as she was more focused on wanting Kai to have the life she didn’t.

Kai listened and understood. What she didn’t tell her mom was having an abortion would be like tearing a part of Conor out of her.

Before ending the call, Kai again mentioned the idea of wanting Conor to join her on the next visit to Paris. She wanted her mom to meet him and be able to show her how amazing he was. Her mom not only agreed but told Kai she’d pay for their trip and suggested they come in the spring, instead of waiting for the summer.

∞

Although leaning in a certain direction, they both agreed to have one last long discussion about their situation and make a final decision. They met after school at Kai’s house. Being February, she placed extra quilts on the floor’s carpeting and arranged several throw pillows. When Conor arrived, he found her under the quilts waiting for him. He pulled them back to get under and found her completely naked.

She gave him a sexy smile and he dropped to the floor and kissed her for several minutes as she pulled his clothes off. After making love, she told him she wanted to show him that no matter what, she loved him like never before. Conor didn’t say anything in response, yet the look he gave told her he felt the same.

They talked for several hours reviewing everything they had heard from family and friends. As they shared their feelings, they began to realize they felt the same way. Ending something that they’d created together from their intense love for each other was impossible to do.

They knew in the future they could have other kids, yet how different would this little baby be from their future offspring? All of Conor’s siblings were different, they could be missing out on someone that could change history. Worse, what if something happened and they couldn’t have others? Everything seemed to lead to having the baby that they had already created and dealing with the future that came with it.

Before Conor left for the night, they agreed to not share their decision with anyone for a few days.

The last thing was sharing her predicament with her father. Kai went back and forth about whether to bring him up to speed on their situation. After their long discussion, they both concluded that being upfront about it was best. He’d find out soon enough as the months passed and telling him was the right thing to do.

Conor was concerned about what his reaction would be and wanted to be there in case he went off the deep end. Kai told him she could manage it, but if he was concerned, she had no problem with Conor being on the other side of the slider in the backyard.

∞

Kai saw her dad at the top of the stairs and asked him to come down to her bedroom.

“Dad, I need to share something with you,” Kai began.

Her father had his usual annoyed look when having to deal with his children.

“What is it you want now,” he snapped.

“As you know, I’ve been dating Conor Walsh for the last year. As you also know, he’s the best thing that’s happened to me, and I love him very much.”

“When are you going to realize that puppy love among children is only a phase?” he chided her.

Kai sighed and let out a deep breath before soldiering on.

“You know I turned eighteen last month. I’m viewed by the world as an adult. I can vote, join the army, buy alcohol, and care for someone more than loving a puppy,” Kai retorted.

“I’m also old enough now to decide who I will marry and have a family with, something you and mom decided not much older than I am now.”

“Are you telling me you will be marrying this little boy, is that it?” her dad snorted.

“Little boy? Really? That’s what you want to say to me?” Kai asked without wanting an answer.

“You can’t be serious? I thought you had a smarter head on your shoulders than that,” he said.

“I don’t know why I bother with you, but here goes. No, I’m not telling you I’m getting married, I’m telling you I’m pregnant,” Kai said.

Kai’s father was taken aback. It was not the direction he thought things were going. As he processed this new information, he got an even more indignant look on his face.

“Where is this boy?” he asked.

“He’s also eighteen and viewed as an adult in the eyes of the world, except for you. He’s right outside,” Kai replied.

Kai’s father opened the slider to her room and waved Conor inside. They both stood in front of her sofa. Kai with a noticeable look of defiance, and Conor with an unwavering serious face.

“I see you finally took advantage of my slutty daughter and got her knocked up haven’t you?” her dad said to Conor.

“And you, the town tramp bringing shame and disgrace to this family. Well, I won’t stand for it!” he said to Kai.

Kai’s eyes were getting redder by the second. She started rubbing the temples on her head with both hands and slowly blinked her eyes to clear them.

“Sir, you may want to –“ Conor started to say.

“Be quiet boy. I want you out of this house, and out of our lives. You are to never come here, meet or speak with anyone in my family ever again. And you young lady will be off to the abortion clinic first thing tomorrow to get rid of that bastard child,” He barked at them both.

When he was finished, Kai looked at him with pure hatred. She seemed to grow larger before their eyes, and moved one foot slightly in front of the other as if she were about to launch herself in his direction. She picked up a letter opener that was lying on her desk and looked back at her father.

“Listen, very, carefully,” Kai said to him with a slow smoldering cadence. “You have hurt me for the very, very last time. You are a small man who has bullied your way through life and whose bark has lost its bite. You took away my mother with your lies and deceptions, and you will not take away the one thing left in my life that I care most about.”

Her father recoiled and leaned back away from his daughter. Perspiration created a sheen on his forehead and a look of concern was obvious in his eyes.

“All I have to do is call the judge, begin sharing your real story, and you’ll be ruined,” Kai hissed.

“This is what will happen. I’ll decide what to do about my pregnancy, and you’ll have no say in the matter. I will stay in this house no more than the time needed to collect my things and find a new place to live. You will not speak to me, or Conor again, and you will stay out of this room until I’m gone.”

Kai seemed ten feet tall and pointed the letter opener toward her dad in a threatening manner.

“Is that understood?” she barked in a loud voice.

Without waiting for an answer, she turned to Conor and spoke to him with a soft comforting tone. Conor was stunned at how she completely switched her personality in the blink of an eye.

“I think for now, it’s best if you leave, I’ll reach out to you soon, I promise,” she cooed.

Kai gave Conor a small smile and squeezed his wrist to reassure him that she’d be all right. He hesitated and looked over at her father.

Conor turned and took a full step in Kai’s father’s direction, staring at him with a menacing look.

“If you hurt her, even a teeny bit, emotionally or otherwise, you’ll deal with me, and I assure you I won’t be using words,” Conor said.

He squeezed Kai’s upper arm and walked out through the slider.

Kai turned back toward her dad. He looked defeated and somewhat contrite. Kai merely pointed at the door of her room and raised her voice several decibels.

“Out!”

 

February 15, 1979, Thursday, New Paltz

Her reassurance to Conor that she’d be all right was a bit of false bravado. The confrontation with her father spooked Kai beyond measure. As she sat alone in her room, she couldn't stop herself from shaking and as the night wore on it became much worse. She began having a migraine-level headache that constant massaging of her temples and the back of her neck, along with copious amounts of aspirin couldn’t relieve.

Kai was rewinding her past and it dredged up all the childhood trauma that she tried to ignore. Every slight, every time he hit her mom, every tirade directed at her as a small child, all the ugly deceptions, the abuse, and suffering she grew up with went through her head in a disturbing film loop.

As she lay on her bed in agony, she realized she needed to be protected from these situations. The ugly drama with her father was caused by her pregnancy. Throughout the evening she thought of nothing else, and the more she thought of her predicament, the deeper she fell into a deeper and darker emotional abyss.

The phone rang a few times, but she couldn’t answer. The swirling feelings in her could not be lessened with words from Conor or anyone. Kai blacked out around midnight.

Early the next morning she woke in a total emotional fog. Somehow she was able to call Ashley and shared how helpless she felt. She asked Ash to take her, and a few hours later, Kai was no longer pregnant.

∞

After the abortion, Ashley brought Kai to her house and put her to bed to recuperate and rest. After a few hours of napping, Ashley heard a loud mournful wailing coming from her room, she rushed in and saw Kai was in a dreadful state. Her eyes were rimmed with red, her arms had scratches from her wrist to her elbow, and she had a distorted painful look on her face. There was blood on the pillows and sheets. Her t-shirt was also soaked from sweat and tears. She was devastated.

Ashley rushed over and wrapped her arms around her, and Kai just continued to moan and wail inconsolably. Ashley held her for the next hour, and finally, words came with the wailing.

“What have you d, d, done? Did you get an abortion? Did you kill my baby? Ohhhh, myyy God, I will burn in hell. How could you! I didn’t want this. Where is Michael? My dad should be in jail for what he’s done. Dad is a torturer! I didn’t want this. Why did you do this? My baby is gone, my baby is gone, noooo, noooo, noooo!”

These words of anguish were repeated over and over for the next few hours, and the remorse was so painful that Ashley cried right along with her. It seemed to Ashley that Kai was unaware she had gone to the clinic, and she was blaming someone else for ending her pregnancy. Ash thought of calling Conor, but she felt Kai was too raw emotionally to see anyone, even him.

By late afternoon, Kai finally collapsed into a tormented sleep. She tossed and turned and was out cold from exhaustion.

Toward the end of the day, Ashley’s mom came home from work, and Ash shared the whole story with her. She had previously told her mom what Kai’s dad was really like, and how it seemed she had an abortion she clearly didn’t want.

Ashley’s mom knew about the Adams divorce and how Kai’s dad had bullied his soon to be ex-wife and told stories that couldn’t possibly be true.

From what Ashley had told her about Kai’s wailing, it seemed that somehow her father had played a part in her misery. She knew it was meddling, but felt it was necessary and moved quickly to get Kai out of the abusive situation. She checked on Kai and saw that she was totally out of it. She called her husband and asked him to come home right away to sit with Kai in case she woke up.

While Kai slept, Ashley and her mom went to clean out Kai’s room. Her father stayed away and didn’t bother to ask what they were doing. They stripped everything and brought all her clothes, wall art, books, and anything not nailed down to their in-law apartment over the garage. They had built it years ago for Ashley’s grandmother, and it had been unused since she passed away.

Kai woke up with a cold compress on her forehead, and Ashley and her mom sitting on the bed each holding one of her hands. Kai was unaware of where she was, and it took her a minute to realize who was with her.

Once acclimated to her surroundings, she had a total shift in her demeanor from the edge of sanity to a peaceful almost angelic persona.

With her head resting on a pillow, Kai looked up at Ashley and calmly said in a soft voice, “I will be all right. I can’t thank you enough for being there for me, you are amazing. I don’t know what I’d have done without you.”

Kai looked over to Ashley’s mom and smiled. After her emotional breakdown earlier in the day, it was spooky how she was so serene and tranquil in her movements and speech. It was as if she was transformed into a different person who was now resolved to their fate with nothing left to be done.

“I’m so sorry I’ve been such a burden. Thank you for putting up with me. If I can borrow some clothes I’ll get dressed and get out of your hair,” Kai said to Ashley’s mom.

“It’s all right Kai, you don’t have to go anywhere,” Ashley said, and she looked over at her mom for reassurance.

“That’s right, we’re going to take care of you from now on. You will not have to confront anyone anymore. You’re safe now,” Ash’s mom said.

There was a long pause as Kai looked up at the ceiling, like someone who was looking over the horizon at something they couldn’t quite grasp. She slowly looked back at Ash’s mom.

“I’m safe?” Kai asked, as a single large teardrop poured out her eye and rolled down her cheek, splashing on the pillow.

“Yes, while you slept we stripped your room in your father’s girlfriend’s house of everything. We brought it all here and all your clothes and belongings are in our in-law's apartment over the garage,” Ashley’s mom said.

“When you feel better, in the next few days we can get you all set up. We even brought all your pictures and those cool fans off the walls, everything,” Ashley said.

Kai closed her eyes for several seconds, and her eyelids trembled as if they were half blinking. She then rubbed her temples and slowly opened them.

“I don’t know what to say,” Kai said.

“Well, before you get concerned about anything else, I want you to know that ever since your mom got railroaded out of town, I’ve felt so badly for you. You and Ashley have been like sisters since the first grade, and I want you to think of us as family.”

Ashley’s mom reached over and brushed Kai’s hair, and gently rubbed the back of her fingers across her cheek. The look Kai returned was one of intense relief that she wasn’t alone.

“As for the apartment, you and Ash will have some cleaning to do. It’s been collecting dust for the last few years, but the apartment is yours. You can stay there as long as you like, as a place to come home from college, to live when college is over, and forever thereafter if you want. I will hear nothing about paying rent, you are family Kai,” Ash’s mom said.

Overwhelmed with emotion, Kai reached out to both Ashley’s mom and Ash in a three-way hug while new joyful tears streamed down her cheeks, and thanked them between sobs for their kindness and generosity.

“Also, I want to be perfectly clear about you and Conor Walsh. He is an amazing guy. You two are so wonderful together, and I want you to know that he’s always welcome here. It’s your apartment and no one is going to watch who comes, who stays, or who goes. You decide,” Ashley’s mom added.

Kai loved how welcoming and supportive they were. After struggling on her own with no family to speak of, with an uncaring father and a mother unable to see her, she felt a warmth inside that she hadn’t sensed in years.

∞

The inner warmth she felt from Ashley’s family was accompanied by a hollowness that would probably never heal. She dreaded what still had to be done. Letting Conor know what she had done would be one of the most difficult things she would ever do.

Just after supper, Ashley called Conor to come over to her house. She explained that Kai was there and needed to see him. Ash didn’t say why she was there, but without saying, he knew something had happened.

Since leaving her house after the confrontation with her father, he had tried to call her several times throughout the day, but Kai hadn’t called back. He knew that if her father had harmed her in some way, she would have called him. He felt that her silence was just her wanting to have some alone time to accept the future they had both mapped out the day before, so he wasn’t too worried. When the next thing he heard was from her best friend, he was worried as it wasn't a good sign.

Conor was beyond anxious and nervous as Ash led him to the guest room where Kai was staying. When he saw her lying on the bed, totally looking weak and disheveled, he rushed over to her. He was so worried, and he reached for her hand and saw all the scratches on both her arms. He frantically searched her face and her head for other bruises.

“I swear to God I will kill him,” Conor said, thinking that her father had abused her and wrapped his arms around her.

Tears started streaking down Kai’s cheeks.

“Conor, he didn’t do anything to me, at least not physically.”

They held each other for a moment and then he leaned back and looked at her with a concerned look, urging Kai to tell him what had happened.

“Do you know how deeply I love you? Forever and ever. Do you?” Kai pleaded.

“Yes, to the furthest star and back and always,” Conor said quietly as his eyes brimmed with tears.

“I got up this morning and didn’t know who I was, but I was in such a fugue state. I was able to call Ash and she came over. The way my father said those ugly things dredged up horrible memories Conor, awful things that took me to a dark place I haven’t been in years. The next thing I knew I was here in this room with terrible pains inside.”

“What happened, are you all right?”

“I realized that I had an abortion and killed our baby Conor. I know it’s unforgivable, there’s no saying sorry, ever. I blocked it all out, in a fog. I was like in the passenger seat of a car and not able to steer or reach the brake pedal, and then got thrown in the trunk into total blackness. The next thing I knew I woke here with bloody sheets and realized what happened. I killed our baby and there’s nothing I can say…”

Kai started sobbing loudly and couldn’t catch her breath. She began hyperventilating, her whole body trembled for several minutes. She wasn’t getting enough oxygen and her eyes rolled to the top of her head with only the whites showing. She started to shudder and jolt violently gasping for air.

Conor was freaked out.

He shook her, slapping her cheeks several times, and calling her name forcefully over and over to get her attention. After several tense moments, she began catching her breath and calming down as Conor kept telling her he wasn’t going anywhere, he loved her, and she would be all right.

Her eyes rolled back in place, quickly blinking several times. As she slowly regained her breathing, her blinking slowed too. She blinked twice very slowly and then opened her eyes, looked up at him, and then lowered her head to her chest.

“Thank you, I thought I was going under there,” she said quietly, and then wrapped her arms around her middle, leaned her head on his shoulder, and cried softly.

With things calmer, the news sunk in, and Conor was in shock. When they had discussed keeping the baby, he was so happy they weren’t ending a life, a life he and Kai had created. Now in a flash, that was all gone, something had changed, and he felt emotionally whiplashed.

As she cried on his shoulder, he knew something powerful must have clicked in her to go through with it without him. He may never know what it was.

After seeing her a hair breath away from calling an ambulance, he wasn’t about to ask her to clarify things. It left an emptiness deep inside, and thinking about their unborn child, Conor let loose his emotions and tears.

They held each other for the longest time, there was nothing said. She secretly begged for forgiveness, and he didn’t think there was anything to forgive. Looking into Conor’s eyes and seeing his heart-wrenching tears was something Kai would never forget.

After they had cried themselves out. Conor whispered into Kai’s ear that he loved her, and they’d get over the sadness. He told her that it was their incredible love story that brought them to this point, and they’d get through it together.

They both leaned their backs against the headboard of the bed and stared out into space, not registering anything, just caught up in their thoughts. They sat there quietly side by side for more than an hour, saying nothing.

Kai broke the spell by reaching her pinky finger and running it over the balled fist of his hand. After a few minutes, Conor opened his hand and their small fingers embraced. Nothing more.

 

February 16, 1979, Friday, New Paltz

The next day, Ashley and Kai got busy dusting and setting up the apartment over the garage. It was larger than expected with a full kitchen and bathroom. The space was fully furnished with a TV, phone, sofa, coffee table, and easy chairs. In the bedroom, there was a queen-sized bed, a dresser, and plenty of closet space. Instead of her basement bedroom, this was a real apartment, and it was three times larger than what Kai had left behind.

All the furnishings were kind of old-fashioned, something a grandmother would choose. They were able to decorate with the items from Kai’s house. When they were finished it looked much different and had a European feel masking over the stodginess.

After school, Conor came over to see the new digs. Kai made sure that Ashley was there to avoid any potential awkwardness. To keep things light, she suggested they watch General Hospital on TV. The Luke and Laura romance was going full steam and like most in their class, the two girls were fully caught up in the drama. Conor had heard kids talking about the show but wasn’t keen on watching soap operas. Still, he settled in and all three munched on Cheetos and watched the hour-long drama where nothing much happened. It was a perfect escape.

When it was almost over, Ashley remembered that she promised to clean her room before her mom came home from work and she took off.

“Swell place you have here, it’s amazing what Ashley’s family have done,” Conor said.

“It is,” Kai warily replied.

“You’re like totally on your own, your own house,” Conor added.

“Yeah,” Kai said as she nonchalantly shook her head and her eyes roamed around the apartment.

“How often do you need to check in with Ashley’s parents?”

“Never.”

Conor looked away from Kai and stared down at his feet. He was certain there was definitely something he did or didn’t do that was bothering Kai. They had never been this way and he was flummoxed as to what to do about it.

Kai glanced over at Conor as he stared at the floor. She looked away and let out a nervous breath. She was sure he was upset with her about the abortion. They’d never had any friction between them before. She didn’t know what to say or what to do to make it better.

At the same time, they looked each other in the eye, and both with mirrored thoughts they blurted out simultaneously.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all my fault.”

“No, really it’s…”

“Me!”

They stopped talking and smiled at each other.

“Conor, can we move past things? I know it’s hard for you to forgive –“

“Stop right there,” Conor interrupted. “I want nothing more than to move forward. This rift or whatever it is that’s between us has me tied up in knots.”

Relieved, Kai reached out to his hand and her fingers immediately intertwined with his. The smile she flashed him was devastatingly beautiful, and they looked into each other’s eyes seeking to rekindle their feelings.

“Ashley’s mom told me that this place is mine rent-free for as long as I want to live here. Even through all of college, if I go out of town, I’ll have a home to come back to. She told me that no one will tell me who I want to have over or for how long, and she specifically said you were welcome. She likes you a lot,” Kai shared.

“They are a family of angels, how incredible,” Conor said.

“The thing is, I may be an eighteen-year-old adult and all, but I’ve never lived alone before. Being by myself is a bit daunting,” Kai admitted.

“Yeah, I understand. I’ll be around a lot,” Conor said.

“Do you remember we talked about waking up together every day and changing the rules?” Kai asked.

“Hmm, now that you mention it.”

“Well, the rules have certainly changed Conor. Don’t you think?” Kai asked further.

“It seems so.”

“What do you think? We’re both eighteen, do you want to move in with me?”

“It’s funny when I first brought it up months ago, I never thought it was possible, at least until we were out of high school,” Conor mused.

Kai stared at him with the wonder of possibility in her eyes waiting for an answer with total anticipation.

“I doubt it’s something mom and dad want to consider. If I give them no option except to go along, it might work, but,” Conor said as if talking out loud to himself with a coy sideways glance in Kai's direction.

“Conor?”

“As Mick Jagger says, wild horses couldn’t drag me away Kai Adams. Of course, I want to move in with you!” Conor finally said breaking into a wide grin.

Kai got up and wrapped her arms around her man and held him for a full minute. Then she whispered into his ear.

“I love you so much and can’t thank you enough for being here for me,” she paused for a beat and lowered her voice an octave, and said, “You get half a drawer, 6 inches of closet space, and nothing more!”

∞

Conor told his parents the news about the pregnancy and the abusive part Kai’s father played in the decision. He shared how Ashley’s family had taken her in and given her their apartment over their garage for Kai to live in. He hoped they understood that he would be staying with Kai for the time being. She couldn’t be left alone. Both were saddened by the news and horrified by Kai’s father.

Although it was totally against their sensibilities to have their youngest living with a woman while still in high school, they decided to leave it up to Conor. He was eighteen and had acted maturely through the entire pregnancy drama. They weren’t about to say no to him at this point. His mom told him as a condition for their approval that both he and Kai had to have dinner at their house at least three times a week or more.

On the way out the door, his father slipped him a small bottle of Rolaids with a wink and a small laugh.

∞

About an hour later the door opened and Conor walked through it. Kai ran over to him and jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist, and kissed him several times all over his face. It was the first time she’d shown him any outright affection in a week and Conor was bowled over.

“If this is the greeting I get every time I come through the door, I’ll make it a habit to leave and come back every hour!” Conor said amused.

“You are the best boyfriend in the whole world, Conor Walsh,” Kai exclaimed

Still carrying her he walked into the bedroom and together they fell onto the bed in a heap. Not wanting to press things any further, they both lay there smiling and staring into each other’s eyes.